30-something women share their stories

As a woman, I have to work harder to prove myself in my job

Lynne Gow is a 34-year-old firefighter who lives in Kinghorn, Fife, and works in Edinburgh

I'VE always been active and I enjoy a challenge. When I left school I thought I might join the police, but when a job in the fire service came up, I thought, "No, this is it." That was nine years ago.

Lynne Gow.<br/>Picture: Phil Wilkinson

I've never had any first-hand experience of people undermining me because I'm a woman. When you're out on call you do get the occasional female saying, "Oh, it's a woman!" And I think subconsciously you try that bit harder - I've heard the saying 'women have to try twice as hard to be half as good' - and you tend to dot the 'i's and cross the 't's a bit more. If you're in there and you're willing to prove yourself, before you know it you're accepted like everybody else.

I think women these days have a lot more opportunities than previous generations had and it's important we take them. We're not shrinking violets - we're out there doing professional jobs, and the more people hear that, the more they'll be influenced by it. We have a contribution to make. We're paving the way for the future.

I've got a really good work-life balance - it's something I realised from an early age was important to me. Having a social life is difficult because I have to work nightshifts, but that's the reality of the job. But my partner and I enjoy the outdoors very much so we're always planning something like a mountaineering trip. We're into triathlon too - we're basically just out and about enjoying life.

When I left school I had a real buzz to travel and I don't think that's changed. But I think my family has become a lot more important to me as I get older. I'm more likely to make sacrifices for my siblings and my partner - I'm more of a selfless person in my 30s than I was in my 20s.

As for having kids - we'll see. I don't feel I'm missing out on anything and I don't feel time is running out. I feel quite spirited, enthusiastic and fit, so whatever happens happens.

I'm content with my life but I look forward to whatever is ahead

Laura Leslie-Campbell, 34, is a chef in Edinburgh. She has a girlfriend.

I'M A chef by trade. I have worked in restaurant kitchens, but am now self-employed - I make soup to distribute to takeaway shops. Hierarchical systems have their place, but they're not something I particularly enjoy being part of - and kitchens can be particularly stressful.

I stopped working in restaurants when an opportunity arose to open a café in Leith Walk with a friend I used to chef with. We ran it for a couple of years and then she left to focus on her primary business, so we sold the lease.

At the moment I'm quite content with my life, but I also enjoy change so I don't see myself working into my 60s being Granny Baxter or anything. I always look forward to whatever is ahead and don't put myself in any age bracket, which may be why I have trouble recalling how old I actually am. I think that obsessing about getting older is terrible and probably ages you even quicker.

I don't think about being gay too much. If anyone asks I won't avoid it, but it's not perhaps the first thing I'd say about myself. It's not that I don't socialise with people who are gay, but the settings tend to be more in friends' homes than a bar. If I choose to go to a pub or club I like to mix with people. I think that and general open-mindedness are really important - I don't like to narrow things down to a scene.

I'm a frustrated single

Virginia Anderson, 32, is single and works for a charitable foundation.

I'M MUCH happier now I'm in my 30s than I was in my 20s. You stop caring about what anybody else thinks and you do the stuff that's important to you. You're also probably more financially solvent than you were and are able to create the life you want rather than having to fit in with expectations.

I live in Glasgow and work in Edinburgh. I've been working in the voluntary sector for three years, having previously worked in auction houses. I've been volunteering since I was 17 and was a trustee of a small charity. When the opportunity came up to change jobs, I jumped at it.

I would describe myself as a frustrated single. I'd rather not be, but I am. I've never married or had kids and have been single now for the better part of three years. I've had relationships, but nothing of any significance. I have no ideal partner in mind. I'd just like someone with a sense of humour and a bit of intelligence who is interested in life beyond the end of his own nose.

It's not all bad, though. I have friends with kids and know others who have compromised their career for the sake of their husband's job. I don't know what either situation is like - being single I can pursue what I want do without having to compromise.

Now I want to put my family before my job

Elly Douglas Hamilton, 34, lives with her partner and is an event co-ordinator for the Scottish Wildlife Trust.

I LOVE being involved in conservation. It's great to feel that you're making a difference, helping to preserve wildlife for future generations.

In my late teens I trained to be a veterinary nurse and then did an undergraduate degree and a masters in wildlife and conservation biology - so I studied from when I was 24 until I was 29.

I got a job as a conservation officer in the Borders which was great, but it involved a huge commute from my home in East Lothian. After four years I felt burnt out.

I was in my 30s when my partner and I decided it was time to get a house together in Perthshire. We found a place we loved and just decided to go for it - after that I realised I'd have to change jobs, but actually things have worked out better as the SWT is wonderful to work for.

My partner and I got engaged this year and hope to get married next year, and we'd definitely like to have children - we'll have to get on with that quite soon.

Now I'd like to put my family before my job, in my 20s I was more career-driven. I'm very fortunate in being able to do something I enjoy part-time, and all being well I would like to still be involved in the conservation world in some way as it will always be a passion for me.

I wouldn't have believed I'd be a mother by 30

Emma Horrell, 30, is married and lives in Musselburgh. She is a full-time mother to her five-month-old daughter.

WHEN I left university at 22, I was quite unsure of what I wanted to do in life. I watched all my friends get City jobs and tried to shoehorn myself into the same 'graduate schemes', but I got rejected from them all. I felt really depressed about it. I knew I wanted to travel, but I had no money, so I started working for a holiday company.

Emma Horrell.<br>Picture: Complimentary

For three years I had loads of fun working abroad and I really let my hair down. I'd always been really serious and studious - I worked very hard at school and university and, looking back, I think I needed to let rip a bit before settling down.

Working for a travel company meant I got paid to see the world - it was a dream job. But as I got older I got fed up with seeing amazing places and sights on my own - they meant nothing without someone to share them with.

Meeting the man who eventually became my husband took me by surprise - I'd always been a bit of a loner and wasn't sure about adjusting my life to fit him in it. Now, of course, I can't imagine life without him. We make each other laugh, which I've learned is so important - you have to see the funny side of things or life becomes really dull.

I wouldn't say my outlook has changed much since my 20s. Back then I thought I could give anything a try - nothing ventured nothing gained - and I still think that way. My husband groans when I tell him I've applied for this, or agreed to do that, but I believe it's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't.

If someone had told me when I was 20 that I would be a mum by the time I was 30 I wouldn't have believed it, but I wouldn't be without my baby girl now, and really love being a mother. I would like to get back to work when my daughter is older, but I'm not sure if a career and a baby will go together. We'll have to see.

I couldn't be a stay-at-home mum

Karen Shires, 34, works in financial services. She has been married for ten years and has a five-year-old daughter.

WHAT happens in your 20s shapes the rest of your life, I think - that's when you're likely to go through most of your significant changes, such as starting out in a career, meeting people, possibly meeting your partner.

When I left school, I thought I would like to join the police force. I was advised to go and work for a few years to get some life experience, so I started at Standard Life in pensions. At the time a friend said that once I had started in pensions, I'd stay in pensions. I didn't believe her, but here I am all these years later.

I love my job and get a real buzz out of it. It's a big part of my life. It helps me to stay an individual - I still find it weird to be referred to as 'Emma's mum'.

Being a stay-at-home mum would suit some people fine, but I could never stay at home and not work. When I was 29 I was out of work due to redundancy - after a week I couldn't stand it and had to go and get myself another job.

I sometimes feel pangs of guilt because I don't have time to do things that other mothers might - there will be a tray bake at school and I won't be able to make anything - but I need to work, both for me as a person, and also because we have financial commitments in terms of our home and Emma's private schooling.

One of my main philosophies is to accept the things you can't change and to change the things you can. Last year we were living in Fife and I had a horrendous commute. My husband Martin had to work away from home with his job, and we had a poor quality of life, hardly getting to spend any time with Emma. We decided to move back to Edinburgh and now things are much better.

Emma wasn't very well for the first few years of her life, and that drained us emotionally and physically. We didn't feel we could cope well with having another baby. That, coupled with the fact that Martin had to work away a lot, would have meant that I'd have been struggling with two kids and a job.

Having another child would have meant really cutting back to make ends meet - we really like being able to have a good quality of life for all three of us now, and don't want to compromise that.

I feel my 30s are passing me by

Mumtaz Unis, 37, is married with three children. She works part-time at Edinburgh University.

I CAN'T believe I've been married for 14 years. The time has gone so quickly. I met my husband through a marriage bureau - it was an arranged marriage. I was living with my family in Birmingham and his particulars came through the post from Scotland. Usually the guy goes to visit the girl, but I'd had so many people coming to see me I wanted a change, so I came up to Scotland.

We've now got three children and we live with my in-laws, so there's seven of us living together in a big Victorian house. I always thought I'd get my own place quite soon after getting married, but my in-laws are great - they don't interfere and they're just great to get along with, so I've never felt the need to move out. Also, culture-wise, there are many things I learned living with my in-laws that I never would have picked up in my own house.

When I turned 30 I was pregnant with my second child and was too engrossed in my family to notice time passing. But as I turned 34, 35 and 36 I started to think, "Oh my God!" It's quite scary that I'm nearly 40. I sometimes feel like my 30s are passing me by.

I'm much more easy-going with my own children than my mum was with me. In her generation it wasn't as acceptable to have a joke and a laugh with your kids. There is a downside, though - by being too friendly with my kids they get confused - "Are you my mum or my friend?" Then they can overstep the mark, demanding things and coming out with things I would never have said to my mum.

When I was younger I didn't see the point in working hard to get to university only to give it up and get married, as I was inevitably going to do. As it is now I'm quite lucky, as the family say I can do as I please. I don't think I'd go back to full-time work again, though, unless we needed the money. I think it's a bit late to go back, and so I accept the level of education I'm at now. In any case, I enjoy the balance of my work hours and spending time with my kids.

Having said that, I would like to see my children do well in their education, so that they can get really good jobs, and for the next ten years I plan to help and encourage them. I've no plans for any more kids - I feel I've made my contribution to the human race!

I'm like any other 30-something - there's just a shift of priority

Sister Andrea Fraile, 32, works for the pro-life initiative in Glasgow.

I'D BEEN thinking about religious life since I was 14. I studied Spanish and philosophy at Glasgow University and did a postgrad, but it was still on my mind. I lived in Edinburgh for a while and worked in publishing, during which time I met a woman who was working for the pro-life initiative and thought I'd try it too. In 2000, at the age of 25, we started up a community with another Sister and have been living in Glasgow's Southside ever since. Had I joined any other order, I would have undergone a postulancy (a year's trial period) and a novitiate (another two to four years) first. But because the pro-life initiative was new, I didn't have to.

Sister Andrea Fraile. <br/>Picture: Robert Perry

We work in a pregnancy crisis centre. Women who are pregnant phone or come to us from all over the country and we try to sort out their problems - be it a violent partner or dodgy housing - and help them to see there's an alternative to having an abortion.

There was an element of risk in deciding to become a nun, but we all take risks - when you get married you're committing yourself to one man. When I entered religious life, I thought, "Is this a crazy thing to do? Am I running away from something?" But you absolutely have to question yourself. And just as you have all sorts of romantic notions about how married life will be, the reality is different. It can be a struggle, but I see it as a challenge.

Growing up, thinking about religious life didn't stop me fancying folk and thinking about marriage. At university I had a boyfriend for nearly four years. He was Catholic as well and our faith meant a lot to us. At times I think I live on another planet, but on a deeper level I am very much like any other 30-something woman. It's just there's a shift of priority and my days are more structured for prayer.

My parents live in Glasgow and I see them every couple of weeks. I've always had a good relationship with them and they've always been supportive. When I said I wanted to do this they were less delighted, not for themselves but for me. Early on, though, they saw that I was very content and their fears have been alleviated. You do get people who shake their heads and say it is a waste, but I don't believe it is. You give your life to Christ - that's not a waste. Sex obviously won't be a feature of my life but I'm still a sexual being, and while there is an element of sacrifice, I'm not shutting off my sexuality, just channelling it in another way.

I'm not naive. I'm conscious of the fact I'm 32 and this won't be magic forever; at some stage I'll think I could have got married and had kids. But I have to trust God will see me through those times. If I have an ambition, it is that - to be more centred on Christ, so that age won't really affect me. I'll get old, wrinkly, haggard, knackered and maybe a wee bit crabbit - but hope that I can still be youthful in spirit.

I'd rather have another puppy before a baby

Lindsey Gardiner, 35, is a book illustrator. She lives with her partner in Dundee.

I SPENT most of my 20s being a skint student. I didn't really start my career until the end of my 20s, so I spent a lot of my time then being quite insecure, and not knowing what was going to happen. But after I graduated and did a master's I put together a book as part of my portfolio, and it was published - I've been inundated with work ever since.

Lindsey Gardiner.<br/>Picture: Complimentary

Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm generally a lot happier. I've got a nice house and style of living and am much more confident and secure. I can't understand people who get depressed when they turn 30 - I'm not bothered about getting older. I always get mistaken for being in my 20s anyway, as I look younger.

My life revolves around children as I do school visits to promote my books. I get on well with the kids and have a good rapport with them - they all seem to like me, and we have a lot of fun. I can't really imagine not having any of my own, but at the moment I feel I don't have time for it. I know I should be thinking about it now that I'm 35, but I don't have one of those ticking biological clocks. I'd probably rather have another puppy first.

My partner John and I have lived together for 14 years, but we're not married. We have two dogs, which I always say is a bigger commitment! I'm certainly not going to worry about having a baby just because people think I should - you should just do your own thing.

Losing my father made me feel differently about life

Angela Constance, 37, is an MSP for the Scottish National Party. She and her husband are expecting their first baby in October.

I'VE GONE through a lot of changes this year: I got pregnant and I made the decision to pursue my career in politics, having juggled a full-time job as a social worker and politics for the past ten years. As I've got older, I've learned that sometimes you have to take risks in order to make achievements, and now I'm pleased to be a full-time politician - it's a great honour for me as I was born and raised in West Lothian, not far from my constituency of Livingston.

When I lost my dad in 2004, I felt very aware of the generations passing, and of no longer being one of the younger ones. One of my first thoughts when he died was that he'd not seen any grandchildren; if I had been in my 20s I don't think that would even have crossed my mind.

When you reach your 30s you become more comfortable in your own skin - you think, "This is who I am, this is what I'm good at." You accept your size, your shape and have fewer hang-ups about your background and looks.

In my 20s I probably came across as very confident, but the truth is I was actually very self-conscious. I hope my child grows up to be less self-conscious than I was.

I have less of a masterplan now than in my 20s. Back then I had clear goals; now I say, "I'll think about this first." My husband says I'm much more relaxed than I was in my 20s. If I was having a baby then, part of me would want to hide under my desk and panic, whereas now I think I'll do my best - and actually my best is pretty good.

We can lead several different lives - it's the greatest gift of our time

Claudia Monteiro, 34, is a freelance writer and PR. She lives with her partner.

I SPEND five months every winter in the French Alps, helping my partner run his ski company. I also use the time there to write - I'm working on a novel.

Summer for me is all about the Edinburgh Festival - I'm a press officer for the Book Festival. But I've also just set up a publishing and PR company with a friend, producing alternative guides to cities.

I'm from Lisbon, but met a Scotsman seven years ago who told me there was amazing seafood and beaches here. I arrived only to discover there is a climatic price to pay for it. We've been in Edinburgh five years now.

I spent a decade working in academia, latterly lecturing and doing research in media studies at Stirling University. Turning 30 brought on a career change - I realised that I'd reached my goal, but there were all these other things I wanted to do. Time seemed precious, so I decided to go for it. People can spend a lot of time toying with ideas about things they'd like to do, and it can be scary, abandoning life as you know it, but I think the decision-making process is the most intimidating part. Actually doing it is less so.

I had a plan for my life in my 20s, but because you are constantly evolving as a person things don't necessarily work out how you imagine. I come from a large Catholic family - there were never fewer than 25 of us round the table - and had I stayed in Portugal I would probably have had a large family myself by now. I would like to have kids some day, but society in the UK is very different. People take longer to grow up and decide what they want to do.

Things have changed a lot for women, too. When I was born, Portugal was still a dictatorship and my mum, who was a primary-school teacher, was in the newspaper for wearing trousers to work. Today women can have flexible lifestyles, which is exciting. In a sense we can chop and change and lead several different careers and lives, which I think is the greatest gift of our time.

Providing for my children's future is the most important thing

Angela Campbell, 36, lives in Livingston and is training to be a teacher. She has a seven-year-old son, a daughter, 19, and a six-month-old grandson.

ONCE I qualified as a nursery nurse and got a full-time job ten years ago, I thought that was me settled for life. I had always wanted to be a teacher but I honestly didn't think I was academic enough, and I never thought I'd go to university.

But I really feel that I benefit by having life experience. I'm the oldest person on the course but I've got more confidence than some of the younger students to ask questions. I'll say to a lecturer, "Excuse me, can you put that in layman's terms, please," and I think the wee quiet ones in the class are pleased when I ask the questions.

You've got to be organised when you're studying full time - it's all about time management. Monday to Thursday is my study time. I don't open my books at the weekend - that's my family time.

I had my daughter when I was only 16, and I didn't expect to have another baby 13 years later, but these things happen. I think having my son helped me to grow up more and realise that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was in my work as a nursery nurse. Since he was born I've been more confident and outgoing and I've known my own mind.

I'm really lucky that my husband is supportive of me, as there are financial and emotional stresses in studying. We've been married 12 years and he supports me 110%.

I feel I'm more selfless now in my 30s than I was in my 20s, because I know now that I've got to provide for my children, and all this work is going to benefit them in the long run.

My life has gone according to plan

Yasmina Ely, 33, is married with two daughters, aged three and two. She lives in Edinburgh, where she and her husband plan to start a dry-cleaning business.

WHEN I was 20, I had a plan: get married at 26 and have kids when I was 30-odd - and things have pretty much worked out that way.

I'm from South Africa but have always travelled back and forth to the UK. I met my husband in South Africa and we moved back to Scotland - we've been here six years.

When I was younger it was all about my social life and my career. I would think nothing of going off to London and spending money, but now I'm in my 30s I'm much more settled. I also have more patience.

Having said that, I do miss my life as it used to be. If I'd had my kids when I was younger, it would probably have been difficult to make the sacrifices. Now, though, I do think my life is enriched, although it is exhausting and frustrating at times - but they're children and they'll do what they want to do.

When I was younger I thought it was possible to be a working mother, especially in the UK where you have the NHS, benefits and everything else. But I've had a reality check. I recently quit my job as a recruitment consultant because I didn't like the person I became when I was working. I would get home frustrated and had no patience when it came to the children - and I only saw them for a limited time at night and the weekends.

The kids were picking up all kinds of bugs at nursery and so I frequently had to try to take time off work to look after them. I ended up feeling guilty for having sick kids and just decided there had to be a better way of living.

You have to make the choice as to the sort of lifestyle you want for your children and for yourself, and to be honest I don't think the effort you have to put in to have a career and kids is worth it. Who knows whether the new business will be a success, but you've got to try or you'll never know.

I don't regret anything I've done, but there is much more that I would like to achieve in life. I'd like to be able to travel more and have more children. I'm a Muslim and I grew up in South Africa, so I'm used to being in a big community. Living here I really miss it.

Earning more than my husband was the reason we split up

Tracey Irving, 32, works in human resources. She is getting divorced.

I WAS married for seven years, but am now separated from my husband. I work in a corporate environment - I'm an employee relations manager in Glasgow - and my ex is an electrician, which proved to be a conflict. He is seven years older than me and when we met I was a student. But I rapidly began earning more money than him and the balance of power switched quite significantly.

His day and my day were so different. I don't think he appreciated the pressures of my job or how tired I was in the evenings. I was the ambitious one, both in work and life, and felt I was always the decision-maker - the one who arranged the mortgage, our investments and our holidays. I felt I was running both our lives. I reached the point where if I was going to do it, I had to do it now. I didn't want to reach my 50s and get separated then.

I spoke to a few friends while we were splitting up and one said that her mother always said that a man will at some point resent a woman earning more money. I recognise that completely. When we separated, I could afford to keep our house and buy him out - he didn't have that choice, which became a real issue between us.

Going forward, any new partner I have will have to be ambitious - not a career freak, just someone who can stand on his own two feet and be comfortable with himself.

I feel no different to being in my 20s

Dorota Bankowska, 30, moved to Scotland from Poland two years ago and works as a commercial diver in Fort William.

I WAS a swimmer at school, and started diving about 16 years ago, working as an instructor. I wanted the opportunity to do something more interesting under the water and got it with commercial diving. It is a very male industry, though. It used to be popular with men from the navy and the army because divers had to be very big and very strong. Of course you still have to be strong, but nowadays the equipment is better and I think it is getting easier for women to do.

I would like to start a family, but I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago. It's not the ideal situation - I need a good man to have a good family. A lot of women my age already have children in school, but I still have plenty of time. I'm not childless because I'm working too much but because of my circumstances.

I've had a lot of adventures - climbing, sailing, swimming, cycling, caving - and I'm happy to have done them. Now I'm 30 I feel I'm a little more adult, but sometimes I still feel like I am in my 20s - sometimes I feel very crazy.