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Squirrels to be given contraceptives

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Published Date: 08 December 2006
SQUIRRELS are to be given contraceptives in a project approved by Scottish ministers, The Scotsman has learned.
The Executive has agreed to fund research into immuno-contraception for Scotland's grey squirrel population.

Ministers want to know if contraception can be given to squirrels safely and effectively and whether this could solve the problem of the rapidly expanding grey squirrel population and the declining red squirrel one.

A Scottish Executive spokesman said it was impossible to say how much money would be spent on the scheme because it was being pursued with both the UK government and the Forestry Commission.

He said scientists were experimenting with a "fertility control agent" which had been used successfully in the US and was now being tried on a range of species, not just squirrels.

The squirrels are caught in humane traps before being given the contraceptive.

The spokesman said: "The materials are administered by injection, and recent formulations can render an animal sterile for a number of years with a single dose."

He stressed there were a number of problems still to be overcome, one of which was to make sure the contraceptives were not ingested by other species.

However, the Executive's decision to invest in this trial is surprising, given that previous attempts to sterilise squirrels were abandoned four years ago.

In 2002 the Forestry Commission and the Joint Nature Conservation Committee found it impossible to replicate the successful laboratory trials under field conditions.

Immuno-contraception has been successful in other countries, but only in larger animals like feral pigs.

Richard Wales, of Red Squirrels in South Scotland, a conservation group, said the best way of dealing with the grey squirrel population was "selective control" - or killing.

He said that support for grey squirrel "control" was rising by 5 per cent a year and was now backed by 74 per cent of people.

"The red squirrel has been here since the ice age and is one of the most endangered of our animals. It would be a shame to lose it entirely," he said.

Mr Wales said his group had started killing grey squirrels in 23 priority forests in the south of Scotland by giving them a sharp blow to the head - "cranial dispatch" - but he stressed it was not a cull because it was selective and controlled and only carried out in the areas where red squirrels were most at risk.

"It's all being done very responsibly, very sensitively and very humanely," he said.

However, Libby Anderson, from the animal welfare group Advocates for Animals, said she approved of contraception, if it could be proved to work, because that was much better than killing grey squirrels.

She said: "It has not been successful so far, but hopefully it can provide an alternative to lethal control. We are in favour of any control that does not impact on the welfare of animals.

"If immuno-contraception can be carried out successfully, that's fine."

WHY REDS ARE UNDER THREAT


THE battle between the UK's red and grey squirrels is decidedly one-sided. There are about three million greys and only 160,000 of their red cousins.

Scotland, particularly the south, is thought to be a stronghold of red squirrels; it is home to three-quarters of the UK population.

The greys are the more efficient eaters and spread a virulent squirrelpox virus to the reds. The virus does not harm the greys but is often fatal to the reds. This means that the greys, which were imported to the UK from the United States, are taking over the natural habitat of the reds and pushing them further back.

The campaign to save the reds is based on the premise that the reds are indigenous and the greys are invasive. Campaigners claim the reds are endangered and could be wiped out unless there is strong and decisive action taken against the greys.

Environmentalists say the reds are a tourist attraction, representing the archetype of the traditional British squirrel, and that they are an example of biodiversity which would suffer if they were wiped out.

GREY CULTURE AND RED PERIL - A COMIC'S VIEW

THE American grey squirrel, like its GI counterparts, is over here, over-cute and over-sexed. It's overrun the native red variety, which has been pushed to the edges of Scotland, like ginger boys in a disco.

Am I surprised ? No, frankly, I'm not. Just like everything American, grey squirrels are bigger, tougher and, most importantly, the male grey would appear to have a way with the laydeezz. Scottish reds tend to sit around mumbling about railway timetables and beer mat collections. The threat must be dealt with.

Other nations may go about with double barrelled shotguns giving Johnny Foreign Squirrel what for, but

not for us the shoot-to-kill policy.

Instead, we're going to get the squirrels to fire blanks and persuade them to Use Contraception.

But why the Executive expects squirrels to take to this when they can't get the human teen population of Scotland to use it is beyond me. The contraceptive is some form of chemical - so why has it not been tried with Bacardi Breezer?

There is certainly no point in trying to teach a workshop of squirrels how to use condoms. They can't even remember where they left their nuts.

• Susan Morrison is a stand-up comedian and Talk 107 radio presenter

Page 1 of 1

 
1

Conan,

Here 08/12/2006 01:21:45

Like I have stated before, if the reds can't compete - that's their problem. The fact that the grey is a throbbing sex-machine, compared to the wee red, simply means that the red had better get with the program of be overtaken by natural selection. The better answer might well be to simply plant more, and plant more of a diversity, of nut-bearing trees, instead of the Douglas Fir and similar types monocultures that currently are intruding into our landscape. I say, lets have a massive planting (restoration) of the hazelnuts, the Oaks, the Beeches, the Chestnuts, the Ashes, the Coconuts (in anticipation of welcome glogal warming), etc. Failing that, if you really want to thin out the greys, then do as has worked for generations - put a bounty on their heads (tails), say a pound or two per tail and allow an open season to slaughter the little hairy rats. I do recall in years gone by, in a Scotland now gone and far, far away being hired by local farmers to go into the local rookeries and kill a few hundred rooks and crows so that they would not eat the seeds being planted as fast as the farmer planted them - that seemed to work fine for all involved (except the birds).

2

Pete39,

Tassy 08/12/2006 01:24:57

Howabout distributing the contraceptive pills in shotgun cartridges, a sort of kill or cure technique, depending on how good you were at shooting at squirrels with a shotgun.

3

Guga,

Rockall 08/12/2006 01:36:09

It would be cheaper and more efficient to put a bounty on the grey squirrels, say £20 a tail, and fix the problem once and for all.

Failing that, they will end up with a stupid, costly system like that for dealing with mink. That is costing them £3,500 per mink. Putting a bounty on them would have saved the taxpayers a fortune, as well as being more efficient.

However, with the numpties in charge, we'll soon be overrun with grey squirrels. Maybe we should be forcibly giving contraceptives to the numpties, and solve all our problems.

4

Encephalon,

08/12/2006 02:43:46

Can't help thinking that the plight of the indigenous red squirrel mirrors that of the native Scottish people - rapidly being replaced by immigrants!

5

zxc,

08/12/2006 03:54:37

#1 - nuts.

6

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 08:10:21

Abortion clinics for grey squirrels?

7

Nisbet,

08/12/2006 08:18:42

Can't we just dye them red?

8

scottwebb.co.uk,

08/12/2006 08:23:24

We could always add Fluoride to their drinking water....after all it reduces IQ, causes cancers and reduces sperm counts

9

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 08:28:16

Education is what is required. The grey squirrels must go to some Tolerance classes and be re-aligned. They must show respect for the red squirrels and learn that the reds are just like them. What's the fancy word? Diversity Awareness training?

10

conservative,

08/12/2006 08:34:32

We should celebrate the cultural diversity of the squirrel population, and if that results in the native species being overrun by the immigrant population then that is just too bad.

11

IanW,

Germany 08/12/2006 08:47:44

It is even stupider than we think. The scientists are still trying to find a way no to pass it on to other species. How strange since the squirrels are trapped in cages and then injected. Can these so called scientists not tell the difference between a squirel and say a sheep.

Not very scientific me thinks.

12

Bobby,

Govan 08/12/2006 08:48:18

Wait till the Cardinal finds out the RC spinwagon will go into overdrive about how the use of contraception is against church law and the exec should not be spending taxpayers money on it, in fact are those pesky squirrells having sex out of wedlock?

This will be closely followed by allegations of priests abusing squirrels.

13

IanW,

Germany 08/12/2006 08:48:21

I think this could be the joke item of the day, it is going to be good to read the humour.

14

,

08/12/2006 08:56:14
Comment Removed By Administrator
Reason: Scotsman Import, Original comment id: 216857, Article id was mapped to record!
15

àstro türf,

08/12/2006 09:11:13

Why not ... nah cant think of anything funny to say, its too early.

16

Tom2345,

East Kilbride 08/12/2006 09:20:28

Will Cardinal O'Brien insist on seperate parks for reds and greys?

17

àstro türf,

08/12/2006 09:25:57

Being the Contrary sort of persson that I am , heres a link to a paper on the development of a vaccine against parapoxvirus.

www.english-nature.org.uk/pubs/publication/PDF/645.pdf

18

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 09:27:07

Astro @15

How about "preserve wildlife, pickle a squirrel"! C'mon, wakey wakey. Just because it isn't cheese related, that shouldn't stop you mate!

Tom @16

Catholic squirrels, maybe bu Protestant ones? A Wee Free grey squirrel??

19

àstro türf,

08/12/2006 09:35:55

How about Shooting them ? Think of the possibilities for the Western Isles, Import them , invite people to come over and shoot them.

How about Squirrel Paintball ? How about Farmfood Squirrel Pizzas ?

20

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 09:42:22

Nah, we've got mink for that Astro. And Golden eagals (yes, you know who you are ye bams!)

21

Bobby,

Govan 08/12/2006 09:45:42

#14 Dave.

Does it matter what faith the greys, or reds, are they would seek a blanket ban on the use of contraception for all regardless of faith and if we are all god's creatures why should squirrels be exempt ftom their clutches and victorian values.

I suppose it mimics our school system as Tom says the greys are excluding the reds from their forsets.

I am sure I seen the one stealing nuts from the bird table bless itself Alex Salmond is making a statement in it's defence some time today.

22

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 09:48:09

I'm sure the one in the picture is holding Rosery beads!

23

kpm,

manchester 08/12/2006 09:50:51

better perhaps to give contraception to the politcions

24

GrahamH,

08/12/2006 09:50:55

Ministers being concerned! Even a spokesman from the executive speaking out!

They must know less about squirrels (I hope), than they do about the need for more roads and a new bridge, but safer for the exec ministers to talk about warm cuddly non issues than real affairs!

25

Tom2345,

East Kilbride 08/12/2006 09:57:17

If Adult squirrels abuse kiddy squirrels, will Cardinal O'Brien cover it all up and send them away for "treatment"?

26

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 09:58:35

What about grey squirrels adopting? And in particular, adopting red squirrels? Is that immoral - discuss.

27

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 09:59:14

What about gay grey squirrles adopting? And adopting red squirrels and gay red squirrels?

28

MWM,

Argyll 08/12/2006 10:03:21

Can we not just send them along to the Family Planning Clinic where they hand out free condoms. But then again, the Cardinal might have something to say about that too. We could always get a particular QC to teach the reds a few choice songs or how to play the flute and maybe that would drive the greys away.

29

Tom2345,

East Kilbride 08/12/2006 10:05:42

28. Jennifer

It would be funny if it weren't so close to the truth!

30

Tom2345,

East Kilbride 08/12/2006 10:08:29

29. MWM

Ah, but then the QC would be driven to the verge of suicide by the Scotish media, whilst the Cardinal, who covered up squirrel paedophilia, would be asked by same to comment on everything from the Iraq war ro the price of cheese!

31

Bobby,

Govan 08/12/2006 10:09:56

#27

I thought it was hamsters they used for that sort of thing.

I think they would be allowed to adopt on the proviso they had been ordained before realising they wanted to come out but once out did not practice their outness.

Also as long as they did not want a job teaching in a grey squirrel school, this also applies to any single parent squirrels, so all those widowed as road kill shall have another job closed off to you by cardinal o'squirrel.

32

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 10:13:59

Squirrel society is in a mess! We need squirrel social workers and we need to set up a Squirrel Steering Group, Squirrel Gender Awarenss Programs and Single Squirrel Parent Groups and we need to do it now!

Where is the funding coming from?

33

,

08/12/2006 10:15:39
Comment Removed By Administrator
Reason: Scotsman Import, Original comment id: 217054, Article id was mapped to record!
34

Tom2345,

East Kilbride 08/12/2006 10:19:53

32. Bobby

Do you know there is a very rare breed of Squirrel herE in Scotland called the Orange Squirrel? Every year they have an Orange Squirrel march through Glasgow to celebrate their heritage.

However, the Cardinal wants this Orange Squirrel march bannned, because he claims it's sectarian.

The Cardinal refused to comment on the scrapping of seperate squirrel schools and the fact that the Big Head HonchO Squirrel in Rome (who was once a member of The Squirrel Youth) said non RC Squirrels wouldn't be allowed into heaven.

35

Oliver,

08/12/2006 10:21:13

I always wonder what is being hidden when a story like this is in the forefront.

Perhaps it is that Labour were squirming again yesterday at FMQs over the Forth bridge?

36

MWM,

Argyll 08/12/2006 10:31:09

Will they allow same sex squirrel marraiges and will they be allowed to adopt?

37

Steve,

West Lothian 08/12/2006 10:31:19

Instead of giving grey squirrells contraceptives, why cant we give the red ones viagra? Or squirrell porn?
Get them hot under the fur!

38

àstro türf,

08/12/2006 10:32:36

Police and medical workers baffled:

Reuters: Edinburgh, December 8, 2006.
Accident & Emergency departments at all major hospitals in Edinburgh were overwhelmed today by hundreds of people seeking admission for cracked, fractured and broken ribs. Others were admitted with ‘split sides’. Hundreds more were admitted in advanced states of hysteria, some convulsing uncontrollably. Victims for the most part were unable to speak, some only able to utter cryptically ‘Steve's’s joke’ before renewed seizures and convulsions took hold of them rendering further speech impossible.

39

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 10:35:02

Good call Steve! I'm sure Sir Richard Attenborough has many a squirrel porn film!

We need to set up a Squirrel Protection League (SPL?? Damn, we can't call it that, SPL already exists)

40

IanW,

Germany 08/12/2006 10:42:38

Are we going to discriminate positively/negatively against the black squirrel (common here). I wonder if some of them are Muslims.

Ëqual rights for the black squirrel***

41

,

08/12/2006 10:48:05
Comment Removed By Administrator
Reason:
42

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 10:48:40

Ian (hi mate) that's too extreme! A burkha wearing squirrel? A suicide squirrel bomber? Squirrel extremists and fundamentalists?

S'long as they targeted the infadel grey it would be ok but I've heard they don't discriminate and all Western squirrels are a target!

43

AJ,

Fife 08/12/2006 10:52:03

Controlled squirrel red light districts, that's the answer! Some place to go for the horny male sqiurrels to get their nuts!

44

donald,

weegieland 08/12/2006 10:59:45

They'll need tae catch them at it before they force the contraceptives oan.

Or, cut aff their nuts, tae stoap them getting their nuts.

45

B.B.John,

Lothian 08/12/2006 11:00:38

If there are as many grey squirrels as they say there are, should wee Jack consider a squirrel conjestion charge?.

Aw nuts just gave them something else to debate.

46

àstro türf,

08/12/2006 11:12:07

Sorry Steve, weather is getting to me !

Plus the never ending "tornado" report from London ( vene the scotsman could learn something about making a mountain out a molehill from the BBC).

47

Jakey Rowling,

08/12/2006 11:55:10

Don't think you could mate the red and grey squirrel population as suggested.

The resultant burberry species would be a recipe for disaster.
A squirrel race that spent all day in its nest, claiming nut benefits. The poor red squirrels out gathering nuts all day, getting hammered by the new 50% nut tax as a consequence.

What happend when the burberry species population increases beyond control as they become immune to the contraceptive from drinking the white nutling cider.
Before we know it there would be a welfare nut scheme.

48

JG,

Fife 08/12/2006 12:12:31

I think the problem is the squirrel dances - twice roond the flair and oot for their nuts!!

49

Bobby,

Govan 08/12/2006 12:14:36

Is there a clause 28 regarding squirrels?

As they are of american origin it may provoke an invasion from gee dubya defending them, this could turn into one sorry mess indeed.

#35 were they going down a traditional route?

50

Andrew, Peebles,

08/12/2006 12:22:42

I think neutering is the answer to a lot of our country's ills. Although the problems with squirrels clearly takes precedent over the porblems with neds. For the time being, anyway.

51

Bobby,

Govan 08/12/2006 12:28:41

#52

Perhaps if we spread a rumour that grey squirrels nuts are an aphrodisiac (spellin) neutering could be a growth industry exporting to the far east.

52

Heimdall,

08/12/2006 12:37:59

1. Conan and 2. Pete39 et. al. - "Thou shalt not kill" not 'Thou shalt not kill all but squirrels' - bad karma.

53

Heimdall,

I Am Right Behind You 08/12/2006 12:52:16

Now lets get down to the serious business. Rats and mice are used in vivisection and other research experimentation including genetic research. Squirrels are very close to rats. I hope you can all see this as another diversionary tactic while widespread experimentation of animals in their environment is being carried out (who knows what they will actually administer to the animals). Once data is collected and a safe dosage and effective administration is determined it will be in our water supply and possibly supermarket produce, and like gamma irradiated food, they will legislate that they will have no legal obligation to tell you. The jokes are great and are running thick and fast but lets not take our eyes off the ball.

54

morris,

edinburgh 08/12/2006 12:55:21

5 You put it in a nutshell!"
Who said devolution has not answered the Scottish peoples aspirations.Here is clear proof of how effective the current executive can be .
Is there no end to McConnell and his chums talents I ask?
I wonder if they can fix it so that your chewing gum does not lose its flavour over night on the bed post(or is that a reserved matter and too complicated for the scots to be entrusted with)?
I like the idea of mixing the red and grey squirrels.This sounds like something the Labour party could go for in a big way.No doubt Joke McConnell will assure us that the offspring will be a nice grey and red tartan and very Scottish!

55

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 12:59:49

Pin stripped tartan morris!

56

Stanley,

08/12/2006 13:11:36

Its allright laughing and joking, but there is an ongoing squirrell war going on just now, and its innocent squirrels who are being caught in the crossfire. It takes just one mad mental furball to go to the pictures and see the squirrels of New York, and then they all go out and copy them. Several squirrels from the one family have already be sent to the great furrier in the sky.
Its Nuts I tell you, absolutely nuts!
Still, The Davy Crocket hats are having a bit of a revival

57

AJ,

Fife 08/12/2006 13:18:49

58

Is racoon a racial slur or a hat?

58

p2arrot,

Harrisburg, PA USA 08/12/2006 13:24:58

The squirrels make a good pot pie if you get enough of them. They are as annoying over here as there.

59

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 13:31:05

The ones here ARE the ones from over there p2arrot!

60

éstro törf,

08/12/2006 13:35:17

My father is always going on about Coons , but before i get battered out of here (again) he means Racoons.

When i was at his place (in the USA) , he kept yelling , look ! LOok ! theres another coon in the tree.

61

éstro törf,

08/12/2006 13:36:54

father in law.

Just think of me like Doctor Who.

62

Heimdall,

I Am Not Finished Yet 08/12/2006 13:42:21

Leading in from entry 55 and this being a front to test public opinion (or apathy) with this mass experimentation on animal theory, it has already been placed on the table as a possible idea that a mainstream contraceptive is added to the water supply with hopeful parents to be able ( or unable) to acquire an antidote possibly by licence - the ultimate in state control and the weening out of genetic undesirables: Refer to Hansard Select Committee on Science and Technology 13 OCTOBER 2004

63

ChrisW,

08/12/2006 13:46:34

#41 "Are we going to discriminate positively/negatively against the black squirrel (common here). I wonder if some of them are Muslims.

Ëqual rights for the black squirrel***"
---------------------

In PC Scotland we mustn't refer to them as BLACK squirrels. As all good primary teachers know, "Baa Baa black sheep" is now "Baa baa brown sheep"

64

Neil,

9% Growth Party 08/12/2006 13:46:35

Guga #3 Murdo Fraser put up a bill calling for a bounty (I think about £5) & got jumped all over by members of the squirrel caring professions (an interesting image).

Now we have a different scheme that requires an empire of squirrel carers & "A Scottish Executive spokesman said it was impossible to say how much money would be spent" - now there's a surprise.

If it compares to the figure for minks Guga gives & I see no reason why not, we are talking about at least £3.5 billion.

Good job our wise leaders don't have anything more important to spend our money on.

65

IanW,

Germany 08/12/2006 13:49:50

When the squirrel is Black in colour I would call it a Black squirrel. I wonder what the correct PC name is? The almost like night-time squirrel?

Anyone any help???

66

wayne bijlyeerheid,

08/12/2006 13:51:58

62
If he's ever in Scotland don't hesitate to point out the coos in the field to him.

67

wayne bijlyeerheid,

08/12/2006 13:53:52

Heimdall 64
How many squirrels read Hansard?

68

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 13:59:22

Ian, it's like "black" coffee bud. It's now "coffee without milk" ergo it's a "squirrel without milk". Hope this helps.

69

Bobby,

Govan 08/12/2006 14:04:14

Heimdall,

Do squirrells feel pain?

What should I do to stop the little bugger from eating the nuts I put out for the tits in my garden?

How would we know if they eat more or less nuts from my garden after neutering as they may be like those big eunocs (spellin) in those old movies once they have had their tackle removed.

70

éstro törf,

08/12/2006 14:07:35

Look Look , Theres a Coo up in that Tree !

71

Heimdall,

voice in the wilderness 08/12/2006 14:08:41

69. wayne bijlyeerheid - I believe Hansard is for people to read. If you have read this particular entry, you will be afraid - check back on the details on my entries 55 and 64. I am sure the squirrels will be oblivious to this mass drug experiment. It is for people to see the real issue and not get drawn into diversion - they are your gonads you need to look after them. It probably will be aimed at the male and not the female!

72

IanW,

Germany 08/12/2006 14:08:52

Dave #70 - do we now call what was once known as a black b*****d as "coffee withou milk and sugar?"

Sorry folks only teasing, not being racist or anything.

73

IanW,

Germany 08/12/2006 14:11:44

Dave - you won't need to worry about your gonads as the wife threatened to cut them off didn't she after the 4th 'surprise' was announced.

If I was getting any I would worry, but I ain't over here.

74

éstro törf,

08/12/2006 14:13:04

I can remember getting a Black Man from the Ice cream Shop.

I took him home , my mum was not chuffed.

75

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 14:15:59

Ian

That was Bobby's comment. Ma nuts are staying put pal!

76

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 14:17:45

Black Jacks, remember them? Squirrels don't like 'em!

77

Xhile,

West Mids 08/12/2006 14:20:11

Surely the situation warrants the setting up of a governmental focus group which would call upon all interested parties to contribute to a wideranging investigation into the red versus grey squirrel problem?
The maintenance of the cultures of both species is considered to be of primary importance as any attempt to impose artificial restrictions on the population growth of the foreign grey squirrels is bound to be taken as an attempt to ghettoise these newcomers.
The greys obviously have much more to offer squirrel society in general than the timid reds and the inevitable disappearence of the indigenous red population is surely a price worth paying if it results in a homogenous countryside.

78

Heimdall,

voice in the wilderness 08/12/2006 14:23:18

71. Bobby - Its definitely a problem - I have a similar problem here in my back garden, once a haven for small birds they have now had their food gobbled by squirrels along with their eggs. Squirrels like all animals do feel pain and like the starling they are very aggressive to competitors in their niche of the food chain. There are two problems one is what to do about their breeding and 'immigration and taking over' of the gardens attitude, the other is that I believe this is a front to conceal the real motive already on the table in Government, i.e. as a precursor to mass sterilisation on the public and the loss of human choice an rights and detriment to the general health of the individual. For the bird lover, try what I did and construct a small net of wire around the bird table which allows the birds through and not the squirrel - mechanical ways are best! once there are no easy pickings left the squirrels will head back where they came from. They are only here because they have easy pickings without having to work for it. The other, and main, problem is solved by saying NO and meaning it but first you need to be aware of it!

79

Bien E. Bien,

08/12/2006 14:24:18

This is a demented plan. If the squirrel can be caught in a trap in the first place, then why not just exterminate those caught on the spot. Let this plan run for a couple of months of the year, and the breeding population will soon fall by a few percentage points.

Either that or just round them up and drown them in a bucket.

80

äsbo turf,

08/12/2006 14:32:02

Logically , why should the grey squirrell have to suffer because we introduced it to the UK. Why is their ascendancy a bad thing ? Creatures come and go , we know this. Will it destroy the scottish ecosystem and do we even have one ?

In short , who cares ?

81

Heimdall,

voice in the wilderness 08/12/2006 14:36:07

Interesting point - why not simply eat them - Squirrels are a popular food in rural Kentucky. Those who eat the squirrel meat chop up the carcass and prepare it with vegetables in a stew called burgoo. With all the starving or malnourished people around it would be far more sensible to do this and a lot safer to us citizens. But then, this, as I said before is not the agenda see my points 55; 64; 73 and 80

82

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 14:41:17

Actually Astro (it is Astro aye?) you are touching on a valid point there. It's all about succession, natural and otherwise. Natural succession is whereby a particular species becomes dominant and possibley wipes out a similar species due to competition etc. For example, rabbits. When they appeared in Australia, they bread rapidally and fruitfully as they was no natural predator to check the population. Succession happens farily quickly on a continental type system due to no or few boundaries therefore a species can spread quickly into it's particular niche habitat. Here in the UK we live on an island, therefore making succession a slow process (water being a huge boundary). Of course we have indigenous animals (not the rabbit, introduced by the Normans, but wolves, bears, squirrels etc). The only time an land mammal can enter the UK in nature is when the sea retreats i.e. tetonic shift, ice age etc. However, animals can come in with other animals i.e. an eagal may bring a small shrew from France to the UK, drop it, it scurries off, gives birth etc. Likewise, humans can do the saem and have done. As we are part of nature, is it so wrong?

83

Louisa,

Perth 08/12/2006 14:42:04

Now that I've stopped laughing - just - this has been the perfect antidote for the terminal depression contracted by listening to the scuriolus (NB squirrel reference!) Blair and the neuronally challenged muppet Bush (he's nuts anyway)squirming in the glare of their inevitable criminal ignominy. Both could do with a little "cranial dispatch" see above article. Over-sexed, over-sized, over here has followed the Americans everywhere and now the same is true of their squirrels too.
I've bookmarked this thread to cheer myself up especially when the animal 'rights' or squirrel protection league get wind of it.

84

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 14:42:43

It's only the beardy tree hugging, real ale drinking, flat earthers that want everything to stay the same without acknowledging the facts about natural succession and that nature is dynamic and nothing stays the same. Adaptation is also a governing factor.

85

David ties to Kilmarnock,

Jones Falls, Ontario, Canada 08/12/2006 14:52:21

Once the cranial despatch, proposed by Richard Wales, of Red Squirrels has been completed - similar to the way we Canadians clobber baby seals - try this epicure's treat.

Honey and Cider Squirrel

2 young squirrel, dressed & halved
1/2 cup honey
2 cups apple cider
2 bay leaves, crushed
1 TBL cornstarch
2 TBL water

Pat squirrel halves dry. Place on rack in broiler pan. Coat with half the honey. Broil 6 inches from heat source for 8 minutes. Turn. Coat with remianing honey. Broil for 8 minutes longer. Place in roasting pan. Pour cider over squirrel. Add bay leaves. Roast @ 350 degrees for 1 hour or until tender. Remove to serving platter; keep warm. Strain pan drippings into saucepan. Dissolve cornstarch in water; stir into pan drippings. Cook over medium heat until thickened, stirring constantly. Serve with squirrel. May serve with crisp shoestring potatoes and green salad. Yeild: 4 Servings.

86

ShaunPalmer,

Chippenham, WIltshire, England 08/12/2006 14:54:29

I think that this is a waste of taxpayers money. Have they considered the psychological effect on the squirrels that are mating but nut successfully breeding.
Personally I think a 12 gauge cartridge is by far the most humane method to control the grey squirrel population. And with cartridges at only 14p each - a lot cheaper.

87

Stanley,

08/12/2006 14:55:18

#86.Nail on head. I await the pre election announcement of a crack team of squirrel lassoers (sp) who will humanely catch the little furry rapscallions. They will be held down by custom built feather free pillows, and releleased into the wild by a self propelled glider with little re-usable parachutes on their back on one of these little Scottish Islands where only ex SAS men and daft people who like canoes and seagulls (and not Johnathon Livingstone either!)
Either that, or it will be the new community service task to coax them from their lairs with wee bits of cheese and crubly biscuits.
we will have signs with a picture of a lassoo, pillow and mummy and baby squirrel to warn us to slow down lest we squash their wee bodies.
M'on the Davy Crocket Hats!

88

K Beattie,

Newcastle 08/12/2006 14:55:30

#86 Dave, you're right - if human birthrates remain as they are at present, in less than 80 years the UK will have a majority Muslim population - and no doubt Sharia Law to boot! but hey, we (the anglo-christian folk) will have deserved it by not breeding enough (1.4 births per couple at present - compared to 4 per Muslim couple). Our Islamic friends will deserve the country their grandchildren will inherit. Goodbye red squirrel...

89

Stanley,

08/12/2006 14:58:21

#87, Surely the apple cider would be too sweet?

90

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 14:59:31

I live on a wee Scottish island where there are loads of seagulls and I have a canoe along with many other folks. Not ex SAS but ex squaddie! There's an ex SAS boy just up the road though...............

91

Stanley,

08/12/2006 15:02:02

You been involved in any of the parachuting reds plans Dave? If not, kick up fck!

92

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 15:04:15

Well I was going to start the Squirrle Protection League but the SPL already exists! And it's already full of nuts!

93

ShaunPalmer,

Chippenham, Wiltshire, England 08/12/2006 15:06:51

#87 David Ties:

Personally a prefer a squirrel korma.

That lovely nutty white meat is really good after cooking in coconut, ground almonds and spices is delicous.

fry onion, garlic, chilli,
add tumeric, paprika, cumin, coriander,
add cocunut milk, ground almonds, and meat
and finish with garam masala

serve with rice and/or naan

Just be careful of the small bones and lead shot. . ;)

94

äsbo turf,

08/12/2006 15:13:19

its me Dave, Im going through an identity crisis..

Yeh , screw the squirells, let the greys take over. Lets not make them suffer just because we invited them here.

Develop a vaccine for the squirell pox and the reds will thrive on our wee islands , off of the main wee island.

Fixed, no need to hurt anything.

95

Heimdall,

voice in the wilderness 08/12/2006 15:17:18

According to Islamic Law Squirrels are haraam which means for the traditional law abiding Muslim this animal is strictly not to be abused in any way. I wonder if the government have taken this into account?

96

ShaunPalmer,

Chippenham, Wiltshire, England 08/12/2006 15:22:47

#97 Heimdall

in that case maybe chastity belts should be fitted to stop them being abused, and also act as a contraceptive :D

97

Stanley,

08/12/2006 15:26:43

#96 asbo you advocating the fullmiximytoasties road for the pesky Squirrel and their sticky ooty teeth!?
G'on yersel!

98

Neil,

9% Growth Party 08/12/2006 15:28:21

Dave there is an ex-SAS guy in my pub too. Also in every pub in Scotland

99

David ties to Kilmarnock,

Jones Falls, Ontario, Canada 08/12/2006 15:29:42

#91 Stanley
#95 ShaunPalmer

Truth be told, I've only tried to eat grey squirrels once. I shot the fuzzy beast with a .22 calibre rifle, skinned and cleaned it, stuffed it with a sausage and bread stuffing, stitched the cavity closed and roasted it whole. When I took it from the oven it resembled a burnt baby child... I struggled to eat the tough, dry meat before giving the rest of it to my dog. That was in 1968. I've never shot another squirrel since.

Having said that, two years ago I attended a pre-Christmas dinner at the country home of a neighbour. His wife had procured the skinned carcass of a beaver from local fur-trapper. She braised it slowly for several hours and served it as one would serve beef, accompanied with lots of red wine, heaps of potatoes, turnips, brussels sprouts and followed (and preceded) with generous pourings of Canadian Rye whisky. The flavour and texture of the beaver was much like beef stew. It was quite the hit and gave us all bragging rights on declaring our appetite for such an arcane meat.

100

Dave,

Western Isles 08/12/2006 15:31:00

Neil

He has his own croft and doesn't drink. He's the real deal. However, I know what you mean!!

101

Stanley,

08/12/2006 15:32:06

Call me old fashioned, but any wife that can get there hands on, and more importantly slow cook, any meat that makes reference to a ladies front bottom word gets my vote every time!
M'on the beavers!

102

äsbo turf,

08/12/2006 15:34:00

I know Neil , and they always know interesting ways to hurt your fingers, normally involving bending them back at funny angles.

Normally they get thrown out the pub soon afterwards.

103

ShaunPalmer,

Chippenham, Wiltshire, England 08/12/2006 15:36:55

#101 the meat can be tough if its an older specimen. A younger one is more suculent, but they are difficult to age, therefore its best not to roast but to casserole. This can be the same with rabbit,

104

äsbo turf,

08/12/2006 15:39:53

And they also know "something" about the queen , and "something" about Michael Ryan.

Not doubting your mate Dave !

105

K Beattie,

Newcastle 08/12/2006 15:40:46

You can tell the fake ones - they are the ones who TELL you they were in the SAS...

106

Heimdall,

Voice in The Wllderness 08/12/2006 15:41:03

Apparently, part of the problem lies in Law. "It was forbidden by law to poison squirrels under the Protection of Animals Act 1911. The 1973 Warfarin Order introduced an exemption solely for grey squirrels, but only in certain circumstances. One of those circumstances is that it cannot be used in areas where red squirrels survive, and Scotland has been one of those areas." A convenient law under the circumstances I have described before.

107

Stanley,

08/12/2006 15:46:47

#108 Heimdall, Come on now, the act clearly outlines these very exceptions
Red Squirrels who can be culled fall into one of the following categories.
If they are caught ;-
1/Wearing an anorak with spectacles. (two seperate items before the japestters start!)
2/ Swearing near a childrens nursery
3/ Flaunting their nuts
4/ suffering from squirrel halitosis ( I believe it is torture!)
5/ Disagreeing with the Govt on their WMD policy
Only other obvious exception is that they are prime cooking material obviously....just to clarify

108

Sambo,

The deep south 08/12/2006 15:58:09

Why not allow red squirrels to become muslems then they could have 4 wives and balance out the population.

109

SW,

P&K 08/12/2006 16:06:06

What has a hazel nut in every bite? Squirrel vomit!

110

ShaunPalmer,

Chippenham, Wiltshire, England 08/12/2006 16:10:31
112

mr chips,

08/12/2006 16:42:16

Why not inject them with a gay hormone,
then they could adopt wee red squirrels.

113

Evan Owen,

Snowdonia (lots of squirrels) Wales 08/12/2006 16:50:51

My Jack Russell thinks he can climb trees to catch the squirrels, the blighters know otherwise and as he can't defy gravity is resorts to a lot of yapping and jumping.

What I would like to know is this, why are we so worried about squirrels whatever their colour? They are vermin, rats with tails, so why not exterminate the lot of them? Get the guns out folks, have a curry and let the dog see the vermin.

114

2dogs in D.C.,

barking like mad at furry tree rats 08/12/2006 17:05:27

Can i be an "oversexed GI"? Please? So, there's to be family planning clinics set up for tree rats? Who do you figure will get the bill?

115

GP,

08/12/2006 17:14:34

I'm with Steve give the red squirells viagra it will not only help them fornicate but prevent them form getting cancer. That way they will quickly outnumber the greys.

p.s. what's wrong with the greys?
I've heard of thr scots greys but no the scots reds

116

David n' Goliath,

Edinburgh 08/12/2006 17:17:06

Mabye if we blindfolded the lady red squirrels they wouldn't be put off by bright red furry nuts. It must be very disturbing!

117

2dogs in D.C.,

barking like mad at furry tree rats 08/12/2006 17:23:21

Now, seriously,here's my plan-Get a small cage, attach it to the front bumper of a govt.vehicle,(Makes it legal, you know) Put on female red (who is READY,if you know what i mean), then simply drive real fast.Presto-grey road kill. P.S.,wonderful snack for golden eagles.

118

Angus Mor,

God's Own Island 08/12/2006 17:33:59

David n' Goliath

Are you suggesting that nobody likes a ginger? Even in the animal kingdom??

I'm in the SAS by the way, the Squirrel Assasination Squad! Who Dares Wins and all that............

119

SW,

P&K 08/12/2006 17:35:59

I think the little male squirrels are going to find it hard to use a condom having tiny paws and all. Still Richard Branson could make more money out of Mates or Grey Mates etc...

120

EuroTrash,

08/12/2006 17:36:04

Couldn't they develop a program to educate and encourage people to take up snaring and eating squirrels again?
I hear they are quite tasty and were well apppreciated in rural areas until the end of the war.

Doesn't seem right somehow to bomb them with hormones.

121

Eve,

Scotland 08/12/2006 17:44:01

What about animal rights?


Did they not want to do a similar thing with drug addict at one point?

So there police is to suggsed to prevent breeding in anything that doesn't fit in too there narrow mined boxes.

P.S. Red squeril are so much cuter, smaller and not as tembermental as so grey squirls.

122

2dogs in D.C.,

barking like mad at furry tree rats 08/12/2006 17:51:09

Yeah,yeah, blame the U.S. for grey tree rats. As a duly authorised representative of the great non-state of Wash.D.C., i'll make you all a deal.We will take back all of our greys, if you will take back all of your stupid common house sparrows. They were brought here from the U.K. By the way, i have a great picture of a gray EATING a black. Did not know that Hannable Lectur was a grey....

123

Angus Mor,

God's Own Island 08/12/2006 17:55:58

No problem 2dogs. You take the squirrels and we'll take back our sparrows and oil that has been shipped to the US since the North Sea oil fields opened 30 odd years ago.

It'sa fair deal.

124

Ted Voth Jr,

Madison Wisconsin 08/12/2006 18:03:19

Once again, y'all over there were s'posed to be the older but wiser partners in the special relationship: deliberately introducing gray tree-rats! Do whatever it takes.

125

Andrew Allan,

08/12/2006 18:18:32

LIVILION############################
YOU THINK ALL THE THINGS YOU WRITE, AND THE THINGS THAT SURROUND YOU ARE REAL. BUT REALLY YOU ARE BUT A BRAIN IN A VAT, SITTING IN FRONT OF MY COLLEAGUES AND ME RIGHT NOW. ALL OF YOUR FOOD AND STIMULI ARE PASSED INTO YOU THROUGH TUBES AND WIRES. THESE WORDS YOU THINK YOU ARE NOW READING I PROGRAMMED INTO THE SYSTEM PERSONALLY, JUST BEFORE YOU LOOKED AT THEM. BY NOW YOU SHOULD BE WONDERING HOW YOU CAN PROVE WHAT I SAY TO BE FALSE, YOU CAN'T. WE HAVEN'T PROGRAMMED YOU WITH ENOUGH INTELLIGENCE FOR YOU TO UTILISE THIS SKILL.

126

Heimdall,

Voice in The Wllderness 08/12/2006 19:09:21

127. Andrew Allan - Actually you are part of my bio-super computer, I programmed you to say this at this time in order to create a break in the continuity of this thread so people could reflect on my earlier statements. This is why I gave you the initials AA

127

Branda,

Arizona 08/12/2006 19:18:16

Comedian Susan Morrison:
“The American grey squirrel, like its GI counterparts, is over here, over-cute and over-sexed.”

LOL! And this is a problem—how???

“…American, grey squirrels are bigger, tougher and, most importantly, the male grey would appear to have a way with the laydeezz. Scottish reds tend to sit around mumbling…”

Was it Cyndi Lauper who sang the female anthem: “Squirrels Just Wanna Have Fun”? Well, there ya go, guys! We need fun and excitement. Us laydeezz love energy and lots of muscle power.

Ya need to build your red squirrels a gymnasium and get ‘em active and interested in pumping some iron. They need to start eatin' right too. For some reason they’re not digesting their acorns as well as the greys. This can cause testosterone levels to stagnate. And what is it that testosterone does for a body? Well... It improves libido and erectile dysfunction, enhances psychological well-being, increases strength and stature, reduces anxiety, improves memory, cognition, and concentration—lots o good stuff.

Now in the mean time, while the indigenous red squirrels are busy getting in shape and figuring things out, we’d be more than happy to send you some of our American Red Squirrels to keep the lassies occupied since they’re not doing anything anyway. Let our buff reds help you out with the pesky, domineering greys. The virile greys just need some competition is all.

And this way Libby Anderson, from the animal welfare group, won’t get mad at you for hurtin’ the cute lil’ greys. We aim to please.

Problem solved.

Branda the Barbarian
(Don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful)

128

Chuckster,

08/12/2006 19:59:58

#11 IanW, if you're still around. I believe the scientists are worried about what will happen when something eats a squirrel, like a hawk. Do Scots eat squirrels? don't you think it'd be cheaper to eat a squirrel than buy prophylactics?

129

RedKite,

Inverness 08/12/2006 21:04:28

We need to protect our Red Sqirels as they are the indigenous population in the Highlands so contraception is far better than the cruelty that is carried out on Grey Squirrels, Foxes, Badgers and Hares by the indigenous arseholes here who celebrate cruelty to animals - morons!!!!

130

editatrix,

NYC by way of NC 08/12/2006 22:45:21

oh now...not only hawks eat squirrels, my friend...quite a few of us Highlanders living in the Carolinas trap them and make a fine and tasty squirrel stew!!! Hell, we noticed there was quite a lot of them, so why not take advantage of the free meat and easy availability??? I think they actually breed quicker than rabbits!!!

131

mr chips,

08/12/2006 23:35:49

127. Andrew Allan /Stop shouting.

132

Alexandria,

USA 09/12/2006 00:08:26

To All - 1st. - I don't think I've laughted so hard from reading All the comments but I do have a question...why did Scotland ever let the grey squirrel in? Did they need another color?
2nd. - They are considered pest here too, and we have red, black, white, (see we get along with all colors) Just kidding........ but it would seem that anything not native to any country would not be welcomed, but then, that would mean me coming into your country. I am not a native, my ancestors were but then they also went into England, France and Germany. I do find it interesting that we all, no matter what country seem to have those idiots in power who have nothing better to do then waste taxpayers money. I know for sure it is done in the good old USA. Good Luck and hope you find a good use for those greys.

133

Hazelnut,

09/12/2006 00:56:05

Couldn't they just give Viagra to the Red Males squirrills, help them to breed more........LOL

134

Insecure Animal,

Highlands 09/12/2006 02:02:28

We'll keep the Red flag flying here. Polonium to the grey invaders.

135

Branda,

Arizona 09/12/2006 02:25:35

133. "...why did Scotland ever let the grey squirrel in?"

Scotland didn't invite the grey squirrel in. They spread from their introduction to England.

Pets. Baby squirrels are among the sweetest, cutest, cuddliest creatures you can imagine--like pups and kittens. Problem is when they get older--become sexually mature--their wilder instincts start to kick in. They start biting, scratching, becoming more demanding, aggressive, jealous... Hence their behaviour turns unpleasantly squirrely. Time to send them packing, so they get kicked out the back door.

No problem. Home is only a tree away.

Branda

136

Branda,

Arizona 09/12/2006 02:33:57

137. No, I wasn't describing anyone's girlfriend.

Branda

137

E. Smith,

Texas 09/12/2006 05:50:20

Now for some serious questions:
1) How do the vets ensure that the squirrels take the correct dosage in their feed?
2) What about the transfer of hormones involved in birth control up the food chain?
3) Wouldn't an increase in predators, such as the Golden Eagle, decrease the surplus population of grey squirrels?

Well-intentioned meddling in such matters usually results in more harm than good.

138

Nitwyt,

lost in space 09/12/2006 08:43:13

#139 as a Texan I will respect your authorative expertise in well-intentioned meddling. Big W is living proof.

139

Virgil,

Vancouver, BC 09/12/2006 10:28:26

Is there a different mindset for clobbering a squirrel on the head than there is for carrying out the same deed on a seal? Must ask Paul McCartney!

140

Pete39,

Tassy 10/12/2006 06:44:16

Well it started off as a suggestion to feed grey squirrels and distentigrated into some quite marvellous recipes on how to cook them. Then we got onto seals. A word of advice, for what it is worth. Stick to the squirrels, no one has a good recipe for cooking seals.

141

D. Esker,

11/12/2006 23:32:33

Given the number of invasive spcecies the British have introduced all over the world, I have this to say, about the invasion of the greys: hehehe.

142

I was Trailer Trash when Trailer Trash wasn't Cool,

Florida USA 12/12/2006 00:20:59

Tell them science people to do what they gotta do as long as they keeps my trailer park from gittin' overrun with them no-good grey squirrels. They don't even be tastin' like chickin.

143

RedSkwirrell,

3rd Branch Up, The Old Oak, Green Forest 12/12/2006 16:24:50

I wanna be adopted by Madonna!!
Has anyone told her about me yet???

We Red's don't need Viagra, we just need to put a stop to these grey's coming over here, bribing our skwimmin with chocolates and nylons!

144

Angus,

Balloch 12/12/2006 21:06:00

We have launched a new website against the killing of grey squirrels, on Saturday 9 December 2006.

This site is uniquely presenting the case against the slaughter of grey squirrels through the eyes and perception of “Professor Acorn”, a legendary academic within the squirrel population.

This approach creates a persona that encourages the general public to identify and associate themselves with the concept that we live in a
world of parallel populations to our own, and that it is both just and important that we give them the respect and freedom they require to live
their lives without persecution.

“Nutkins” the Beatrix Potter squirrel has been widely exploited to promote the plight of red squirrels and demonise the greys. So the thinking behind this website is to try to redress the balance and seek the
public’s support for all squirrels, irrespective of their ethnic origin or the colour of their fur.

We intend to build this website into a mainstream opposition to the needless slaughter of thousands of grey squirrels and welcome support from all quarters, with links to web pages and articles of similar persuasion.

Visit the Professor at:
www.grey-squirrel.org.uk

The Grey Squirrel
Native by birth - Condemned by origin!

145

Anti-grey,

Washington DC 12/12/2006 21:45:56

A couple of notes:

Burgoo generally doesn't have squirrel in it, at least not officially.

As an earlier poster noted, there have been outbreaks of CJD in some parts of rural Kentucky duw to consumption of squirrel brains infected with the equivalent of BSE (SSE?).

They've tried contraceptives on deer in the US -- which are just as out of control in terms of population growth -- and it doesn't work.

As for shooting the buggers, people could try using season shot ( www.seasonshot.com ) to avoid undue damage to trees and improve the flavour...

As for letting the greys live unmolested in the environment, they are food for predators, which for all intents would be humans -- unless there's been a spike in the eagle and fox populations in Scotland.

146

D. Esker,

13/12/2006 23:17:50

North America will take the greys back if you clean up:

1. Starlings. Sixty of these were introduced to Central Park in NYC, and now there are 200 million of them.
2. Gypsy moths.
3. Wild boars.
4. Mongooses, (not mongeese) in Hawaii.
5. European Green Crabs.
6. Common reed.
7. Scotch Broom.
8. Johnsongrass.
9. Jack-by-the-hedge.
10. Toadflax.
11. Teasel.
12. English (House) Sparrows. There are 400 million of these drab, ill-tempered little birds thanks to you.
13. Pigeons.
14. Eurasian spiny water fleas.
15. Spitzahorn tree.
16. European carp.
17. Thistle.
18. House rats.
19. Brown trout.
20. Tench.

147

Hazelnut,

14/12/2006 01:39:53

#147,RedSkwirrell......

It's the Jimmy Choos they love more than the nylons....:0P

148

,

14/12/2006 23:28:17
Comment Removed By Administrator
Reason: Scotsman Import, Original comment id: 232018, Article id was mapped to record!
149

Jarrett and Giles,

BOLTON 30/01/2008 12:37:08
i think the grey squirrels are sex machines like us. no we are not gay.
To get me horny i watch porn
so why cant the red squirrels do the same as me.
150

Jarrett and Giles,

Bolton 30/01/2008 12:41:30
why not give the red squirrels horse pills. its like viagra but gives u a hardon for a week my m8 told me he tried it. so line up squirrels and come get it
151

Lindsay Wakefield,

Canada 04/01/2009 11:49:36
LMAO!!!!

Well you guys have definitally made my night....thank you!!
I think using contraceptives on animals such as squirrels is a waste of time.....consider this: there is no possible way to get all the squirrels to take birth control that are coloured grey......so it kinda is a waste of time. I dont know what the UK spends its tax dollars on but this is a frivilous waste of tax payers money.
Why not use the grey squirrels for target practice? A pellet gun bullet is far cheaper than a veternarian injecting birthcontrol.
On a sarcastic note....perhaps if the scientists would like to force feed the female grey squirrels, they may become so fat that they cant be bred.....or better yet give the males thier lager and hope that they get so round that they cant do anything about thier overactive sexual urges!!!! BURP!

 

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