Students of stand-up? They're taking the mic

FOR years graduates have been subjected to cruel taunts that their qualifications are little more than a joke.

But that will be no shame for students at one Scottish seat of learning. Later this month a course in stand-up comedy is being launched at Glasgow Metropolitan College.

Organisers are hopeful that the laughter lessons will unearth the next Billy Connolly or Craig Ferguson.

But some sceptical comics insist that wit cannot be studied like algebra or times tables and that prospective comedians would be better off learning their craft rather than sitting in a lecture hall.

The 10-week intensive course is aimed at transforming complete novices into confident masters of mirth.

It concludes with students being allowed to take part in a chortle combat in front of a panel of comedy experts.

A college spokeswoman said: "The introduction to stand-up comedy course aims to help students perform a five-minute comedy routine in front of a live audience.

"The course will include confidence-building through a range of ice-breaking, public speaking and performance skill exercises. It will also include tips on how to research material for your own comedy routines, how to deal with hecklers and abusive audience members, and how to write gags, jokes and funny stories."

The lessons will also feature pointers on how to remember routines and not fluff punchlines, as well as giving business tips on how to find an agent and negotiate performance fees.

The course, which begins on January 23, has been so popular that it has been expanded from nine to 16 students.

The college said it was in the process of appointing a class lecturer, which it expected to be an experienced comedian.

Tommy Sheppard, who runs The Stand comedy clubs in Glasgow and Edinburgh, said he would be watching the course with interest.

"You can't make someone who is inherently unfunny hilarious. But by giving people advice, instruction and experience they can gain a lot. I have seen people start off very poorly and go on to be very good," Sheppard said.

But he added: "I see far too many people who are full of confidence and are able to stand up on stage and talk into a microphone, but have absolutely nothing to say.

"What I'd rather have is people who have wit and the ability to write, but are timid and shy. You can overcome that, but you cannot overcome the fact that some people just don't have a funny bone in their body."

Sheppard said the success of the course depended on the selection of an able tutor.

"The worst thing is that they end up being run by a washed-up comedian who is unable to work. I've heard horror stories in the past about comedians advising aspiring comics to buy joke books rather than write their own material, which is ludicrous.

"I hope this is a serious course and not just an attempt to cash in on the rising popularity of comedy."

Comedian Patrick Wright, who performs across Scotland, was also sceptical of academic comedy classes.

The Aberdonian funnyman said: "You can't churn out comedians in the way you can train electricians and plumbers. No amount of studying and academic prowess can make somebody into the next Billy Connolly if they don't have it in them in the first place.

"I have seen a lot of nights for new comedians, and the vast majority of them are wasting their time. If people want to be successful comedians they should forget taking lectures and get out there and start performing."

However, Glasgow call-centre worker Andrew Watson is looking forward to enrolling on the course. "In the past, a few of my mates have told me that I was a funny guy and should give stand-up a go," Watson said. "I never really thought about it until I saw this course advertised and decided to put my name down.

Hopefully it could be the start of a whole new career for me."

For more information on the course, call Glasgow Metropolitan College on 0141-566 6216.

Top two in the seriously funny league

In 2002 Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire held an international interactive survey to determine the world's funniest jokes.

For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could submit and rate over 10,000 jokes.

The two top rated jokes were as follows:

1 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

2 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"