IF YOU'RE just a normal person, and not particularly political, you must look at the Calman Commission and surely find it bizarre: prompted by growing support for independence, it looked at every possible constitutional permutation for Scotland – except, er, independence, which also happens to be the main policy of the minority government of the day.
It was, in effect, the Calman Omission. Only in Scotland would this be passed off as normal. Only in Scotland would its intrinsic absurdity be glossed over so comprehensively. But there you are. At Fat Minister's Questions yesterday, Labour leader El
mer Fudd welcomed this absurdity and promised to say more about it next week, when a debate has been scheduled. Put it in your diary: "Daft debate."
Yesterday, instead, Elmer accused the Salmondista government of not making full use of powers it already had, particularly on climate change. He quoted Fat Minister Eck Salmond saying we are "the Saudi Arabia of the seas". Well, was he Riyadh or was he wrong? Mr Fudd was certainly on dodgy grounds, and I winced in sympathy as Eck, that strutting political bully, came forward to kick sand in his eyes. Fudd just seemed so weak, and the issue was so woolly, revolving around whether the SNP administration's climate change bill was or was not the most ambitious in the world. As soon as you accept the premise of the question, you're admitting it must be pretty good regardless.
Eck, needless to say, maintained it was the best bill in the world, adding that if Scotia had the powers of a normal parliament, it could do even better. Fudd said that, if it was the best bill in the world, how come there was some bloke on the radio that morning saying it was nothing of the kind? "Will Eck just admit that his climate change bill is following, not leading, the United Kingdom?"
ECK said it was the other way aboot, prompting Andy Kerr (Lab) to shake his heid vigorously, so desperate was he to believe that Westminster was better.
Fudd said this was "all just wind", so Eck blew out his cheeks and said he would try to help "timid" Elmer understand, pointing out how the popular UK Chancellor, Alistair Darling, had vetoed an innovative carbon-capture project, which subsequently went to Abu Dhabi.
Fudd remained dubious aboot Dhabi, saying: "This is all just bluster." He went on: "Churches, students, trade unionists, business leaders, birdwatchers, cyclists, gardeners, the Women's Institute are all looking to us to be ambitious on climate change." Gordon Bennett, have they nothing better to do than gawp?
If Lord George Foulkes (Lab) restricted himself to gawping, Holyrood would be a less rowdy place. Some of you, I know, watch these exchanges on your televisual entertainment spheres, and I have to tell you that – because the main speaker is miked up – you don't get much of the background hullabaloo. Most of it comes from Geordie, the Lord of Misrule.
Yesterday, the key in his back was well wound up when Alasdair Allan (SNP) rose to express concern about a threat to jobs in the Western Isles. Presiding orifice Alex "Hercules" Fergusson had to call for order, which left the way for Eck to get all sanctimonious: "I think that in a parliament, in terms of civility, when a constituency member asks about jobs in their constituency, then they should be heard with some respect." The ironic thing was that Foulkesy appeared to be making the valid point that the MoD-contracted jobs under advisement were part of the so-called Union dividend.
FOR a little while, order was restored to pin-dropping silence, when Eck went on to speak about the swine flu pandemic. But, after that grim hiatus, we returned to situation abnormal as constitutional obsessive Pauline McNeill (Lab) praised the aforementioned Calman Omission, which apparently points out that "devolution has been a real success and is popular with the people of Scotland".
God, here was another one feeding Eck the lines. He smirked like a sea-lion at a bucket of fish and said: "Yes, I think the parliament is popular with the people of Scotland. Not only that, but we know it is more popular now than it was under the previous administration."
He proceeded to quote polls liberally and spoke of "shoaring, er, soaring respect", a tip of the slongue which he laughed off thus: "I am maybe meeting Sean Connery later today."
Pauline kept at it, asking if the Nats would stop slagging Westminster about public spending, prompting Eck to ask if she couldn't spot the difference between Calman's modest tax proposals and the full powers of an autonomous parliament.
Lord George, meanwhile, like some waistband-bursting eccentric out of Dickens, was still bouncing up and down in the cheap seats at the back, bawling something about Britain. Oh dear. It was a relief to get back out into the sunshine, where workmen dug up things, children played and tourists took pictures. Normal persons were just getting on with things, irrespective of Calman, climate change, Lord George Foulkes and all.
The full article contains 865 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
