ROBERT MCNEIL: Return ticket to paradise will make you miserable

THE bleakness of modern life has been spelled out in a shocking report by controversial pressure group the Office for National Statistics. ONS activists claim that, despite better standards of health and wealth, citizens of Britainshire are desperately unhappy and wished they'd never been born.

This is grim news. Grim news indeed. Observers attribute the epidemic of misery to the internet, satellite television, the Treaty of Union, foreign travel and, laughably, drink.

The drink isn't making people miserable. It's killing them, which...