Mouthpiece: Modern parenting picture blurred by different experiences

Debate on raising children properly is a good idea, says Lynn Jamieson

A BRIEFING published by the Centre for Research on Families and Relationships this week, based on the Growing Up in Scotland survey (GUS), shows mothers' universal concern to do the best for their children but in a range of very different circumstances.

One obvious difference is whether a father is also helping bring up the child but less obvious is whether at least one grandparent is alive and on hand or involved. GUS shows how important grandparents are and that they provide backup support for most parents. It also suggests parents need other help if they are not there. We all need friends and family to call on at times. For mothers and fathers with the time pressure of combining parenting and paid work, grandparents are to the fore. They are also crucial for most lone mothers, who only have one pair of hands and half the potential time of two parents. Those who are not working and have less time pressure often have more financial pressures and a different juggling act. Again grandparents' help can be key.

When no grandparents are around, for some parents their safety net is very thin. Friends and neighbours are more likely to be called in for care gaps in rural areas. Mothers in urban areas with high concentrations of council housing and low incomes, where a lot of lone mothers live, are the least likely to rely on neighbours. Maybe they feel it is not right to ask, as everybody has their problems, or they have nobody they can trust. Sometimes people need friendship over and above what is available. In recognition of this, a set of volunteer "befriending" charities have developed under the umbrella of the Befriending Network Scotland.

One of the findings of GUS is that most parents are either against or ambivalent about smacking, although a third of four-year-olds have been smacked. It does not tell us if grandparents and parents typically agree about this.

Few grandparents are of a generation when expecting children to be automatically obedient to adults at all times – "do as I say or else" – was a reasonable starting point. Many parents admit they smacked in the anger of the moment, not because it was good for the child.

Beliefs about obedience and how to teach responsibility are connected with the different circumstances in which parents are bringing up their children.

Some parents can more easily afford negotiation with their children, whereas others have to constantly manage the message that you cannot always get what you want.

If you would like to express your views about smacking or (grand) parenting you could contribute to the blog of the Centre for Research on Families and Relationships which can be found at www.crfr.ac.uk

• Professor Lynn Jamieson is co-director of the Centre for Research on Families and Relationships at Edinburgh University