John Gibson: Aye, the pipes can fair nip yer heid . .

THERE was a piper, a Scottish piper, he wandered far away. To Denver and he won't go back there in a hurry. Edinburgh's Rob Calder, 32, busking across the States raising money for a charity supporting the disabled, was ticketed by the Denver polis for disturbing the peace.

Whoa and michty me! Before you reach for your claymore and shout "bloody Yanks!," think about it. There are days, if you're honest, when the pipes can nip yer heid. Sometimes you've got to be in the mood to be mugged musically by the Grace and the Cathedral.

So an unreceptive Denver, unaccustomed to the windbag's wail, hardly justifies sustained haggis bombing by Nimrod.

Inner peace? Joy
Meditation. Maybe I should give it a go. It worked for John Lennon. Beyond the chaos of the mind lies a boundless ocean of peace, say the Ishayas, a bunch of monks dedicated to healing humanity through raising consciousness.

Their simple meditation techniques "effortlessly draw the mind inward to its source". The Ishayas at the Bonham Hotel yesterday talked "increased inner peace, joy and contentment" at the end of the rainbow.

And all for eight quid. You wouldn't have got that on the National Health.

BBC on to plums
Plums, my fruiterer friend tells me, will soon be at their peak. Meantime, if you crave something nice and plummy, cop Carolyn Wyatt and Bridget Kendal on BBC News. Accents so posh, far as you can get from EastEnderish. You can stick Frank Gardner and Nick Witchell in the same Beeb bag. Maybe Frank Bruno to read the news?

Talking telly, tomorrow's end of term for Fern. Her finale after ten years on This Morning. How's it gonna feel when you wake up and find she's not there next to you? You'll need counselling. Chubby cheeks Fern's departure revives the hoary old "spend more time with my family" line.

Afterwords . .
. . . Prattle has it that our Deputy Prime Minister, Mandy Pandy, has been saying: "I'm not absolutely sure who Michael Jackson is . . . he's called Jacko, isn't he?" And you, Mandelson, are what's called a prize prat. Not sure who Jacko was? C'mon.