I'm not cut out for the Fettes job

THEY'RE advertising for a bursar at Fettes. Although no salary is mentioned, it's bound to pay fairly big bucks, running a non-academic team supervised by the Fettes Trust's governors.

Okay, okay, I hear what you're saying. With your qualifications, go for it, John, they'd give your application every consideration.

Thank you, no, I'm too old for school. I'd be for urging the governors to bring back the belt. The cane, even. The only way to clear the blackboard jungle, not that I'm suggesting that Fettes needs a camp commandant who'll take it to the wire.

Have a ball

Only a fiver. Lynda Hay, whose Scottish rugby legend husband Bruce died of cancer last year, is holding a Christmas fair at Meggetland on Friday, November 7, at 7.30pm in aid of Marie Curie Cancer Care.

While the evening won't be all singing, all dancing, it will be all rugby. Howard Haslett, who was refereeing the sport while turning clergyman, now ministering at East Linton, will be auctioneer and the former players lending moral support will include Andy Irvine and Douglas Morgan.

Tickets £5, wine, cheese and biscuits inclusive, are available at Meggetland. Lynda's at 664 0726.

A sick economy

Brothers and sisters, I have a dream today . . . come 2011, when the trams are scheduled to be up and running, they won't be. And they'll be well over budget. That's to say, half a billion.

We have, however, other things to ponder. I have this recurring TV picture of Messrs Brown and Darling announcing the £500 billion bailout. A picture that has to be captured for posterity.

You looked at the pair of them and cried "God save us, are we as a nation in turmoil to rely on them for survival?" Never seen the PM, uninspirational at the best of times, look so utterly peely-wally. Clueless. I thought he was about to throw up on screen. It was a quick-somebody-fetch-Gordon-a-sickbag situation. Messy.

Afterwords . .

. . . from Paul Newman, married to Joanne Woodward for 50 years: "Do you know what my definition of marriage is? Well, when we get in the elevator, my wife checks my fly without even looking."