IT'S a sociological fact that us Glaswegian men would go insane if we were forbidden from dressing up as sluts, vamps and naughty nurses once a year.
This Hallowe'en, there must have been at least a hundred of us mincing down Byres Road. But while I applaud the passion of peers I wish it could be equalled by their talent. As a lover of the feminine arts I would like to offer some tips for next yea
rs aspirant Hallowe'en drag queens.
Gentlemen, heels! I know you all get a kick from seeing your calf muscles tighten and your toes point in imitation of female orgasm as you squeeze into stilettos, but going for six inch heels on a first-night-out in drag will invariably put the crawl back into pub crawl.
Women, too, find heels a burden and generally have a pair of trainers stashed in a handbag for the purpose of getting from A to B. If you are going to do this, don't take the trainers you wear to the gym without prior fumigation.
Tights v Stockings. I know, I know – us blokes spend half our lives trying to convince women to wear stockings for us and we secretly lust after the feel of frilly-topped fishnets with a suspender belt. But on a night out in late autumn, with many draughts being drunk, those other drafts, of the up-the-skirt variety can play havoc with the male urinary system. And running to the toilet in first-timer stilettos can be lethal. So stockings are out, unless, of course, you plan on wearing thermal boxers and risking a major VPL.
While tights offer warmth and support, caution should still be taken, particularly if you are planning on urinating in a public place. Try to remember that you are without zipper, and urgent seconds can be wasted searching for one in vain, then trying to unroll, then tear your way through the nylon to unburden yourself. Face up to facts: the only way to avoid wetting your dress is to squat.
At all costs avoid stay-ups, unless you're going to go the full hog and have your legs waxed. From personal experience I can vouch that the sensation of unpeeling the rubberised gel of the stay-up rim from your hairy legs can only be compared to removing your beard with Scotch Tape.
Finally, breasts. This year I have witnessed what looked like ice-cream cones, pillows, and garbage bags masquerading as mammaries.
Gentlemen, if you are wearing traffic cones for breasts, it might be fun with the lads but don't try to pick up a girl at a bar. Women don't like to be reduced to either sex objects or objects of mirth. I know it's tempting to go for a 42GG cup bra stuffed with old socks, but try to tame the urge and go for subtlety. Two condoms filled with lukewarm water are ideal D-cup substitutes (the teat-end even resembles a nipple). Not only do they hang just right but they give a realistic bounce and roll movement while walking or running (see note on heels above).
The only problem is that they will seem so real that all your mates will want to squeeze them, so bursting can be a problem, so go for Durex Xtra strong.
Finally, as for thongs, little need be said here, other than – the origin of the phrase Hallowe'eners, has nothing to do with "Hello wieners".
I hope these tips will be of use and that next October 31 we'll see Glasgow flourish with a flourish.
