NOT since Gordon Brown was pictured on his holibags in Suffolk, wearing a beige jacket in which he looked so ill at ease some people feared it was laced with itching powder, has a man's 'dressed-down' decision been such a disaster, writes Claire Black.
BBC Today programme and Dragons' Den presenter Evan Davis was caught on camera off duty, wearing a fitted white printed t-shirt with mid-length sleeves, jeans rucked up into slouchy leather boots and a chain draped around his hip keeping his wallet i
n place. We didn't get to see the elastic band of his Calvin Klein pants, but we all know they were under there. Quelle horreur!
Davis looked much like thousands of other gay men in their forties, but the picture has caused an almighty clamour. How can a 47-year-old graduate of Oxford and Harvard with a complex understanding of macroeconomics think that casual club wear is appropriate for a trip to the corner shop? And how can we trust a man in a chunky chain and tight jeans when it comes to quantitative easing?
So how exactly should a man dress down? What are the rules? Gird your fashion loins, readers, here we go ...
CASUALIf you think this means taking off your tie and unbuttoning your top button, do pay attention, this is for you. You might not want to go to Evan Davis type lengths, but dressing casually means wearing different clothes than the ones you wear Monday to Friday between the hours of 9am and 6pm. Not the same clothes in different colours, but literally different clothes. I know this is terribly inconvenient because it means you've got to buy them, but what can I tell you, fashion is a fickle mistress. And just to be clear, casual does not mean your old painting clobber, or the jogging bottoms you've had since you thought taking up squash was a good idea back in 1995. You don't have to run straight to your nearest sports shop to buy a pair of bright white trainers which you can then match with everything else in your wardrobe, thus finding an instant way to get down with the kids. Trust me, that will not work. Nor should you head for the outdoors shop to invest in a pair of activity trousers – you know, the ones with the pockets on the sides for... actually, do tell me, what are those pockets for? If you're going casual then you must do so from your head to your toes. Casual means relaxed, not pyjama-style ready for bed, but comfortable, at ease. That's how you should feel. Try a nice soft flannel shirt (very this season) or a pair of khakis (no creases down the front, or pleats please). Then there's jeans, but that's another minefield altogether.
SMART CASUALSmart. Casual. Two words which separately seem just about manageable. Stick them together and they're an elasticated-waisted fashion disaster waiting to happen. World leaders have been reduced to laughing stocks (think Tony Blair wearing a loose-fitting, striped Nicole Fahri jumper at a BBQ for Commonwealth leaders), entire political parties deemed unelectable (the Tories doing their version of dress down Friday – a terrifying combination of Barbours, pink trousers and reams of tweed). It's a tough gig. And here's the problem with it: it's impossible. You're either smart or your casual. You can't have it both ways. You wouldn't wear a sports vest with formal trousers so don't attempt to mix formal and fun. You must make a choice. If you don't, the consequences could be dire. You might end up looking like Simon Cowell when he pairs his favourite perfectly pressed, high-waisted jeans with a stretched-neck, forcibly relaxed t-shirt. The latter is presumably designed to show off his chest plumage and the fact that he's an easy-going type of guy who just rolled out of bed and into his clothes, no biggy. But here's the thing: we know fine well he has at least 20 versions of the same outfit hanging in his air-conditioned, walk-in power closet, and the t-shirts are professionally crumpled by a team of minions.
Smart casual – a two word trauma you'd do well to forget.
ACCESSORIES MAKETH THE MANI can barely watch Saturday Kitchen because of the bracelets on James Martin's wrist. Like a leftover from summer camp circa 1992, his leather friendship bracelets and what looks like an identity bracelet is about as low in the fashion stakes as you can go. I just can't think of an excuse. I can see why accessories are appealing – they're like the fashion equivalent of a gadget: often shiny, overpriced and almost always useless. But caution and restraint must be exercised. Jewellery should be subtle unless you're seeking to emulate Bobby George and although man bags have moved from the fashion hinterland to the mainstream, meaning men no longer have to stuff their pockets (or their wives' handbags) with all the guff they carry around, that doesn't mean a clutch bag is acceptable as Jonathan Ross demonstrated.
DENIM DILEMMAJeans, the ultimate dress down garment. They've been a staple leisurewear item for generations, they come in a multitude of styles and still there are some people who just can't get them right. The size, the cut, the colour – it's a minefield. In terms of size, if you can't get your hands in the pockets without cutting off the circulation I'm going to suggest they're too small. Tony Blair nearly caused a diplomatic incident when he couldn't get his hands out of his pockets to shake on it with President Bush at Camp David. But you don't want them to be too loose either. Even the style icon that is President Barack Obama slipped up with his denims. When pictures of Obama in a pair so baggy (and, whisper it, stonewashed) they looked like they'd been borrowed from the lost property box emerged, his ratings took a hit and the Republicans realised that he was fallible after all. Colour is vital too. As seen at the most recent Dolce & Gabanna catwalk show (and on Peter Mandelson even more recently than that) pale denim is set to be all the rage. But unless you're confident about it, don't do it. And if you do, don't pair it with a black shoe. That looks creepy, Lord Mandelson.
A LITTLE BIT OF SOLEOne shouldn't really laugh because really when you think about Iraq and all that, he wasn't really funny, but when George Bush stepped out in baggy shorts, a Western-style short-sleeved shirt and a pair of black Crocs (with black socks, of course) who could suppress a giggle? It was the sartorial equivalent of his foreign policy: ill-conceived, badly fitting and on the verge of extremely disturbing. Shoes may be the last thing that the eyes get to in the head-to-toe check-out, but that doesn't mean that you can forget all about them. Simplicity is the key here. Classic shapes – brogues, loafers, straight-forward lace ups. If you're short, don't wear lifts. President Nicolas Sarkozy never would, he insists. And be careful about trends; Russell Brand's Beatle boots and Noel Fielding's winkle pickers might work in the early hours in boho Soho but they won't look half as good as you pick your way through the tramworks on Leith Walk or the discarded kebabs in Sauchiehall Street of a Saturday night.
ON THE HEIDSo multitudinous are horrific hats that I am tempted to say if you want to get ahead then please, just don't. If you find yourself swithering about whether you can pull off a baseball cap then I beg of you think of William Hague. The shadow foreign secretary might've written well respected political biographies, he might be one of the most impressive speakers at the Despatch Box, but fundamentally he will never be anything other than a baseball cap-wearing disaster after wearing one for a photo opportunity. Simon Heffer in the Daily Mail said he "looked like a child-molester on a day release scheme" and it only got worse from there. And it's not just caps, oversized slouchy woollen numbers and trilbies are for megastars only. Really, I know they look good on the mannequins in Topman's window but unless you're David Beckham (slouch) or Justin Timberlake (trilby) it's a risk. And if it's practicalities we're talking about, keep it simple. A nice, plain beanie hat is fairly safe or even a flat cap if you're aiming for retro cool. Novelty hats (jester style, the ones with ear flaps, those with ears on) are to be avoided as though they are a highly contagious, life-threatening infection.
