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Sunday, 6th December 2009

Fordyce Maxwell

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Thrift is back in fashion, but for some of us it has never been out' IT WAS while hanging up the morning teabag to dry for re-use and giving the nettle soup a stir before cutting a Brillo pad in half and squeezing the toothpaste tube in the door jamb to extract the last vestiges that I noticed a headline asking if thr

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Where does a 200-kilo pig sleep? Anywhere it damn well likes' YEARS ago there were tales of baby alligators being flushed into New York sewers by panicking owners as they outgrew the cuddly stage. The alligators that is, not the owners. New Yorkers are never cuddly.

Fordyce Maxwell: 'War is hellish, people die in huge numbers and lessons go unlearned' WHEN I was nine I took to polishing my boots until they shone, including under-side and heel-plates. Pre Health & Safety inspectors, I also took to hurling myself off moving farm trailers while clutching a fence-rail gun and rolling as I hit the

Fordyce Maxwell: 'I marvel at the many examples of pastry, meat, and magic ingredient' OCCASIONALLY a sentence stops you in your tracks. It happened a few days ago working through early morning routine – heft those weights, stir that porridge, an Eric and Ernie impression with the grapefruit – when someone said they were seeking PGI f

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Few people, fewer still after they've tried the recipes, buy pumpkins to eat'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'The vicar's real problem is confusion about what a funeral should be'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Hearts sink when the words community and forum are heard together'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Fewer of us smear on goose fat or get sewn into combinations these days'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'I dug into the recesses of memory and got from un to vingt almost hitch-free'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Turn the bat over, mate,' he said. 'There's instructions on the back'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'It's a short step from a plum-free world to one where they take over'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'First rule for a successful bonfire is patience. Sorry, that's the second rule'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'The speed at which each new September arrives curbs my cheery outlook'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'I could have been a successful musician – if only I didn't have a tin ear'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'There's a limit to what you can say about porridge and muesli'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Do you know any more than me about the area of Wales, except it's small?'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Star Trek's "to boldly go" is as relevant to a strange shower as a new galaxy'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'I confine my darkest thoughts and expletives to the notebook as we talk'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Mention of tents and caravans triggers a chemical toilet alert'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'I managed to trap myself with eight young bulls between me and the exit'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Summer lunch for 45? No trouble. Why not make it a round 60?'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'Grown men in odd outfits is as good a reason to switch off as Big Brother'

Fordyce Maxwell: 'These obsessives now send e-mails but they still think in green ink'

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