The hot ticket: James Blunt

JAMES BLUNT has sold millions of albums, made huge amounts of money and will play to thousands of adoring fans at the SECC in Glasgow this week. But would you really want to be him? Here are some reasons why not…

1. You'd apparently be so stoned you could hardly think straight

In Blunt's album track Where is My Mind, he explains: "I was swimming in the Caribbean, animals were hiding behind the rocks, Except the little fish, And they told me I should ask myself, Where is my mind?" Chatty little fish, were they, Mr Blunt? And it gets worse. We all know about the angel on the subway. "As we walked on by, she could see from my face that I was, f***ing high." Lucky for the angel. Almost every song from Back to Bedlam is an excuse for Blunt, the drug-munching doobie smoker, to tell the world how stoned he is. Wise Men "smoked nine 'til seven, all the shit that they could find", So Long Jimmy asks "Are you just cool and I'm just baked?", Sugar Coated gloats "I'm gonna get so high I'm lying here on the floor… I've had a smoke and it's been a while." Even All the Lost Souls, apparently the produce of a grown-up Blunt. still blathers on with "Why don't you give me some love? I've taken a shipload of drugs". Perhaps Blunt still can't get over the excitement that, with matron gone, he no longer has to smoke out the window.

2. You'd handle infidelity in quite an embarrassing way

Blunt was snapped canoodling Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova in Ibiza in 2006 while his heiress girlfriend, Camilla Boler, sat at home in England. Many were relieved that the romantically unctuous urchin had turned to the dark side, having once performed a vomit-worthy dedication of You're Beautiful to the aforementioned Millypops in front of thousands. In true Blunt fashion, however, he didn't just do the dirty and keep it quiet, he produced a wincingly awful track entitled Alright Tonight in celebration of infidelity: "Do you want this one-night stand? You can leave that ring on your finger. I'm a sinner, you're the winner, I am too." Blurck. Blunt goes on to describe the event with his trademark lyrical brilliance: "We made out now, we made up, yeah. We made love for the World Cup." What?

3. You'd have won lots of horrible awards

Blunt's mantelpiece must be sagging under the weight of these beauties:

Sixth in GQ magazine's poll of Worst-Dressed Men in Britain. Shuffling in behind Gordon Brown and Russell Brand, Blunt isn't exactly the sharpest-looking man in town. He has marooned himself upon a style isle, somewhere between boarding school chic and ethnic grunger.

Britain's Third Favourite Break-up Song, as awarded by Channel 4. You guessed it, You're Beautiful snatched this acclaimed title and so it should have done. Long will that summer be remembered when, across the country, heart-broken winos wailed the catchy chorus into the night. Many say that Blunt began a movement – men were finally allowed to weep.

Rolling Stone's "Used to be Enjoyed But Now Makes People Want to Hurt Others" Award: yes, You're Beautiful got it again. If it didn't make you want to cry it made you want to hit people, the true sign of an all-time great. Useful in its therapeutic capacity for all those heart-broken moaners who got thumped in the face for singing it, moving them swiftly on from sadness to anger, thus one step closer to getting over it.

NME award for Worst Album: Who listens to what the NME thinks, though? Well, everyone really. Never mind, eh?

4. People would be rude to you all the time

Blunt, for all his millions of sales, evokes the most creative of critical put-downs. Perhaps it's his lack of lyrical mastery that makes critics think they can do better – here are a few choice insults.

"A collection so bland, it makes hardtack seem sumptuous." – The Hartford Courant

"His voice sounds like it could curdle milk, an anaemic whine with no substance." – Yahoo Music

"Chris Martin on an off-day, an album that gets LESS effective with every listen. After an hour of listening to it … drowning kittens seems like a really fine way to spend the afternoon." – BBC

"Back to Bedlam suffers from an entrenched lyrical laziness, a terminal inanity." – Music OMH.

"The kind of voice normally associated with the terminally ill asking a doctor how long they've got left … You come away convinced that the song's underlying message is: give me a blow job or I'll cry." – The Guardian.

5. Cockney Rhyming slang would do your name no favours.

James Blunt plays the SECC, Glasgow, on 10 October.