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Lazy Guide to Net Culture: Bugged

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Published Date: 17 July 2006
By STEWART KIRKPATRICK
skirkpatrick at scotsman dot com
THE summer is here and that means just one thing.
Insects.

Vile arthropod swine are now chewing, sucking and crawling their way into our lives. Were it not for the mercy of DEET and Avon "Skin So Soft"
I would now be an empty husk gathering dust under my workstation - a decaying monument to loss and emptiness. Thanks to these wonders of science I am gathering dust in front of my workstation.

(As an irrelevant aside - how unlikely in this column! - I can confrim the anecdotal evidence on the UK Climbing Forums that the abovementioned moisturising product does indeed keep the midge hellspawn at bay.)

To pass the time until blessed winter freezes the six-legged hordes into oblivion, I've been hunting for giant insects (on the web only) to remind myself that there are worse things than midges.

However, I found this item which made me feel much more sympathetic towards those with an exoskeleton. It's a video of some Americans in Iraq tormenting a camel spider. Camel spiders are famous across the web for being the size of a dinner plate, running at 25mph and injecting deadly poison into their victims and eating camels from the stomach out. The web being the web, all of this is complete fabrication, utter nonsense. In short, there's no justification for these yahoos to trap the poor beast in a jar.



(If the video doesn’t work, go to YouTube.)

Well, at last I know what the Yanks are doing with their time in Iraq because they sure ain't bringing peace and prosperity to the godfordsaken place. (Mind you, I can’t really blame them too much, if I had the misfortune to be in Iraq I'd be hunting very small creatures as well - specifically by grovelling in the dirt begging to be sent home.)

My sympathy for invertebrates was aroused by the above video. But even David Attenborough's soothing tones over the following clip couldn’t stop my feelings of revulsion.

This is clip of a a foot-long venomous watcher in the dark that eats bats. That's bats, as in mammals. As in creatures quite closely related to us.



(If the video doesn’t work, go to YouTube.)

It's enough to make HP Lovecraft scarper off for an unscheduled toilet stop. My politics are terribly green and worthy but the prospect of a centipede the size of a whippet heading straight for the family jewels causes one to re-evaluate the benefits of biodiversity.

Roll on the freezing weather.



The full article contains 442 words and appears in scotsman.com newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

 
1

Lord Pasternack,

19/07/2006 00:00:21

And no-one told you it was a bank holiday?! My deepest sympathies... and for all throught the heatwave too, while I'll be working on my tan, etc.

Even my internet connection caught wind of the holiday, and became a little more leisurely in its fuctioning. And failed to load this page about 3 times in a row, before letting me in - and wouldn't load the videos. I let it know that I thought it was a big funking pile of ballcocks indeed.

Thanks for the invaluable advice about Avon's Skin So Soft too. I never thought you the metrosexual sort.

When I do find my bottle of it (will Nivea Visage do?), it'll be great.

2

Firozali A.Mulla MBA PhD,

Dar-Es-Salaam Tanzania 19/07/2006 08:02:11

Scotland's heatwave set to last for weeks
ALISON HARDIE
Have you been to a free meal party?
The comments after the heavy meal, I really heavy meal, the man will say, “Oh the salt was less2, The chillies were very harsh, 3, the rice was not cooked to the level, 4, The curry was spicy, 5, the meat was tough, 6 the gravy was too spicy, and if nothing else, BOY I HAVE EATEN SO MUCH THAT I AM NOW UNCOMFORTABLE.
This is human in action.
We have heat, we complain, we have cold we complain. What is wrong with us?

3

Lord Pasternack,

19/07/2006 13:08:58

Eh, Mister Kirkpatrick? Sorry sir, but I just read that article on the damned midges, and I just thought I'd point this particular paragraph to you:

"One reason that Rum is so sorely afflicted is because the village is low-lying and boggy – just the way the midges like it. They hate the sun and can't bear wind, but as the sun shines so seldom in this part of the world, they can feast mostly undisturbed."

Apparently, "they hate the sun". Did you consider this, or miss that point?

Don't worry, I don't discriminate in highlight errors or omissions, slight or huge.

Or perhaps I do... I let the serial offenders off with it, as it's probably something uncurable.

4

jennie,

inverness 20/07/2006 16:09:20

Avon Skin So Soft is usually available at an amazing, bargain £5 a bottle from shops, bars, inns, POs and other canny moneymaking establishments in the Highlands. I tried it at the Fatboy Slim gig on Loch Ness and yes, it works. And it also does what it says on the packet, and smells nice. And it doesn't contain horrid DEET.

Because it is so dry and hot and sunny, when the sun dips below the horizon or after the next rain, those midge mummies will be swarming, starving, ravenous, desperate for human blood so that they can lay their eggs in the soil and start the whole horrid cycle all over again.
The only thing that will reduce the terror of these minute pests permanently is to increase the amount of mixed native woodland cover, which will drain the soil and supply habitat to things that eat midges. "Plant a tree, remove a million midges from the ecosystem". But there'll always be more...

haven't dared watch the video of the bat-eating centipede yet

5

Kathleen,

Arvada, Colorado, USA 20/07/2006 16:19:18

Thank you for sharing that fascinating clip on carnivorous centipedes! Seems dredging info from those technically difficult bottomless pits of virtual knowledge, compares favorably to spelunking Venezuelan caves in search of such scientific fodder. Bless the blokes that capture those incredible photos, and bless you, too, Mr. Kirkpatrick for mining these treasures!


 

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