Lazy Guide to Net Culture: Pining for the fnords

If you want to appear like you’re at the cutting edge of net culture but can’t be bothered to spend hours online, then never fear. Scotsman.com's pathetic team of geeks, freaks and gimps will do the hard work for you. While you sip wine, read a book or engage in normal social interaction, they will burn out their retinas staring at badly designed web pages and dodge creeps in chatrooms to prepare for you: scotsman.com's lazy guide to net culture.

Sometimes the internet disappoints you.

(This is not just because of the limited view of the web I am afforded from my work PC, an underpowered calculator running software coded on papyrus, connected to the outside world by a second-hand 2.8k modem).

I have commented in the past on the laziness of conspiracy theorists. They build up fantastical constructions of interconnected unlikelihood then, instead of ending their creations with a flourish, they end on "and the Masons did it". How dull. How predictable. I mean, make an effort. Can't somebody blame wombats for once? Or traffic wardens?

What I was hoping for was inventive use of the word "fnord". "Of course," I hear you say.

For the uninitiated (metaphorically speaking), a fnord is - according to Wikipedia - "the typographic representation of disinformation or irrelevant information intending to misdirect, with the implication of a conspiracy."

Hope that clears things up.

In the fictitious(?) Illuminatus Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea, we are programmed by our secret rulers not be able to consciously see the fnords, but we are still negatively affected by them. In fact they cause feelings of puzzlement and aversions. They are placed in various locations and media to stop us properly processing the information around us and understanding what is going on. To explain, this article could be littered with fnords but you would not be able to see them. But you would be overcome by feelings of confusion and tedium. Uncanny, isn't it?

(Of course, the word for this phenomenon is not itself "fnord", as we can see "fnord". In fact the real word is " ".)

Now this is promising ground: secret codes hidden in plain sight that control our thoughts. I expected great things from the online community.

After a promising start - a reworking of the Ford logo, it all fell a bit flat. I think the problem is that I drew up my own fnord wishlist and then couldn't find any sites that fitted the bill.

If there are any dedicated conspiracy theorists out there who want to build them, here are the fnord-related sites I long to see.

Fnordnance survey
A clickable map showing "Illuminati" activity around the world. We could call the epicentre of evil deeds carried out by the rulers of the world the fnord pole. (My money's on Slough.)

Fnordly splendour
An online interiors magazine for those interested in the lifestyles of the rich and sinister. Every week we would be invited into home of an Illuminatus and shown what decorative splendours they have achieved using the wealth sucked from their slaves. And then we would be subjected to alien experiments and our memories would be erased.

Fnord Knox
A map of the secret hideaway where the hierophants keep all their gold.

Fnordy winks
A conspiracy page revealing that the secret symbols are designed not to make you uneasy and pliable but, rather, encourage you to have a nice kip. (The conspiracy would then point the finger at a cabal of pillow manufacturers.)

Fnords and ladies
A gallery of intimate pictures. Hey, this is the internet so we need something to cater to the one-handed surfers.

Fnord recognition chart
An illustrated guide to the various words and symbols the secret government use to control us. Actually, I did find one of these. I reproduce it here:
















(Don't you think the second one on the right looks spookily like Gary Lineker?)