Nutty brother makes me laugh despite it all

'JANEY, guess who lives in my street?" my crazy brother Mij asked me in the middle of one of his nutty conversations a few years ago.

I sighed and stupidly asked: "Who lives in your street, Mij?"

"The guy from The Eagles," he smugly replied.

My wonderful and loving brother has had various drug issues and, despite being harmful to himself, he is affectionate and loving to me, though he does tend to exaggerate a wee bit.

He once told me he tamed a lion that had escaped from Edinburgh Zoo, but it was just a big tufty alsatian dog. He had back-combed its dirty hair and shaved its tail. I was seven and believed him.

"So, let me get this straight," I said. "A band member from The Eagles has given up the sunny coast of LA to come and live on your council estate in Grangemouth? Has he given up music to go work at the big oil refinery out there?"

"Look, it really is him," Mij explained excitedly. "The guy with the eye-patch and cowboy hat. He was collecting his methadone at the same chemist as me and spoke American."

"Isn't that the guy from Doctor Hook?" I asked and wondered why the hell I was even entertaining this mental conversation.

"Yes, that's right," Mij answered. "Doctor Hook. It was him. And I know it was him because he was singing a Doctor Hook song."

"What song was he singing whilst he chugged down his methadone?" I giggled.

"Walking on the Moon!" Mij triumphantly announced.

"That's the Police," I said.

"Maybe it was Sting," he persisted, till we both laughed out loud.

Mij has the unbelievable ability to turn any boring phone call into a comedy routine.

He is now living in Essex with his daughter and I miss his madness, though not everyone can cope with his wacky personality. You have to be a bit mad to tune into him, and I suppose I am that slightly mad person who enjoys his chit-chat.

Two years ago, he was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma cancer and endured invasive surgery and chemotherapy. I was sure this latest health scare would finally end him, but not Mij.

Instead of his body falling apart, he was amazed to find that, after all the rigorous treatments, he could now play the guitar and his spelling improved to the extent that he became a crossword expert – also he grew more hair on his head! You see, Mij is HIV positive on top of everything else that he copes with, yet he seems to fight off most bugs and viral infections and now he seems to have dealt remarkably well with the cancer.

He must be a walking medical miracle.

I think with all the drugs he has pushed into his body over the years, chemotherapy must have been like throwing an aspirin down his neck.

Though the cancer scare was frightening, even this was a subject for comedy, as he once called me in the middle of a chemotherapy session and said: "Janey, I am worried about bird flu. There are pigeons flocking at my bathroom window and one keeps pecking at the glass: they look manky and infected."

I replied, "Mij, you are HIV, dealing with a methadone addiction and coping with cancer. I don't think a pigeon is going to kill you now."

Yet again we laughed.

I am proud of him. Despite his nefarious addictions and exaggerative personality, he is a kind and loving man who adores his grandchildren and thrives on the love they give him in return.

HIV is still on the rampage throughout the UK and it is a subject close to my heart. So, at the Glasgow Comedy Festival, a couple of days after my own full-length show at The Garage on the Sixth, I am headlining a charity comedy gig to raise funds for The Terrence Higgins Trust on 9 March at Òran Mór.

I told Mij this latest news about the comedy charity gig and he said: "I will try to get that guy from Pink Floyd to come along and play the drums; he lives down the road from us in Essex."

"Are you sure it is him, Mij?" I asked.

"No, not really, but he has long hair and busks outside the post office – and his dog dances on its back legs."

We laughed some more.

Rattled, and not alone, at 4am

IN THE early hours of Thursday morning, a wild wind whipped through the west end of Glasgow.

I lay in bed and tried to ignore the sound of a can being thrown about on the concrete outside.

The jaggy, high-pitched clatter as the hollow metal can danced back and forth was making me insane. I couldn't sleep for the constant rattling noise.

Finally, at 4am, I got up, got dressed and headed down the stairs to the car park to find the damned thing and pick it up. I berated myself for letting something this stupid keep me awake.

When I got out into the huge, dark car park, three other people were stood staring at each other: "Are you trying to find that can?" one sleepy young woman said.

I had never met my neighbours before, but a cold wind and an annoying can brought us together at 4am.

Test the fat cats making a quick buck on expenses

THE UK government's introduction of a lie detector test to catch benefit cheats seems very Orwellian to me.

Harrow Council in North West London is trialling voice risk analysis in a year-long pilot for the Department of Work and Pensions. They say they have already saved taxpayers £336,711 and their lie detector technology is deterring people from making false claims.

Edinburgh is soon to be included in this shocking scheme.

This system should be hawked down to Holyrood and they can use the technology on MSPs when the fat-cat politicians are making out their expenses claims.

I am sure that would also save the taxpayers a heap of cash.

If this scheme is so good for the public, surely our politicians should lead by example as they represent their constituents?

It has been recently proved that it's not just the public who are trying to dupe the system and make a quick buck.

• www.janeygodley.co.uk