EVER heard the word "baku-shan"? You might not know the term, but you'll definitely be familiar with what it describes. It's a Japanese word meaning "a woman who looks better from behind".
From the moment middle-age begins to set in, lots of women begin to fear the baku-shan effect. I remember a few years ago Toyah Willcox was on I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! lamenting the fact that her petite figure and long, strawberry blonde
locks could still draw the building-site wolf whistles, but once she turned around, the workmen would shut up and switch on the pneumatic drill as quickly as possible. (She later had plastic surgery, detailed in her book Diary of a Facelift.)
As if getting older wasn't already enough of a drag, research published in the cheerily-titled journal Age and Ageing suggests that, despite the billion-dollar industry that has grown up around making us look good, women still face a stark choice as to how to handle the ageing process.
Basically, it boils down to these two depressing alternatives – you can be fat and look younger than you are, or you can stay fit and look haggard. That's it – chubby and youthful, or slim and old. There's no in-between.
If you try to stay in shape and strive to hold those extra pounds at bay, you will eventually look wizened; but if you let yourself go and encourage the flab, you'll keep your schoolgirl complexion longer. Preserve your waistline and frighten the horses, or maintain your dewy skin tone and die of a heart attack? It's a toughie.
Of course, you can always get around this by going to a cosmetic surgeon who will pump the fat out of your backside and into your facial wrinkles, but be careful not to exercise too much, or there'll be no flab there to transfer.
The report also reveals the amazing fact that women higher up the social scale look younger for longer than women from poorer backgrounds. Now, there's a shock – popping along to Harley Street for a regular nip/tuck gives you an advantage over someone who can barely remember to moisturise because she's worn out from her minimum-wage job.
The problem with these findings is that they are essentially correct, but is it really every woman's fate to end up as either a moon-faced lard-arse or a baku-shan? Elizabeth Taylor or Nancy Reagan? Is that all we've got to look forward to when the time comes to collect our bus passes?
Such unwelcome information makes it seem as though the best possible future any female could hope for is to end her days either fat and creaseless, or thin and wrinkly, but it'll never be that simple. For instance, I have yet to hear two men having the following conversation: "I really fancy that Vanessa Feltz." "Yeah, me too. She may be fat and 46, but she only looks 39."
Either way – large and smooth, or thin and shrivelled – living in the 21st century means that while it's easier than ever to hold back the clock cosmetically, once you get old, chances are you'll stay that way for a very long time.
This report is absolutely right about the class divide playing a big part in the ageing process. Because we're living so long these days, everyone will probably spend their last 30 years or so with no pension. As a result, we'll inevitably drop a social bracket, become poorer and therefore also presumably be older-looking than that bus pass claims.
With the worry of falling into poverty, we'll become a nation of centenarians who look 120, but hey, at least we'll be thin, thanks to the angst and not being able to afford any food.
Sorry, am I making you gloomy? I didn't mean to. Let me cheer you up with two rather more appealing options for the future. The good news is that if you want to be less unattractive when you're older, you could decide to spend all the money you'd earmarked for health and fitness on chocolate.
By stuffing yourself with as much of it as you possibly can, you'll definitely ward off those unsightly wrinkles. Also, if you really go for it, you may even die before you get old and ugly!
And it's a win-win situation, because the alternative – choosing the treadmill-and-Polyfilla route – has some fantastic advantages, too. Not only will you live longer, but should your desperation to be thin leave you with a face like a walnut, becoming a baku-shan means there'll always be one angle from which you look really good.
The full article contains 797 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
