SO THE markets are down, panic is up, and the R word is being spread around like the norovirus at a doctor's surgery. But does recession have to be all doom and gloom? Is there really nothing positive on the horizon when the FTSE is spiralling and Mervyn King's brows are so furrowed you could plant potatoes in them? I'm not so sure. Which is why I present to you a list of reasons to look forward to the impending financial recession.
SHINIER LIPGLOSS
Ever heard of the Lipstick Factor? It's an economic indicator that's been around since the Second World War which suggests that a recession is on the horizon whenever women start rushing out to buy lipsticks. "When lipstick sales go
up, consumer optimism is down," Leonard Lauder, chairman of Estée Lauder once said. "Instead of going out to buy a dress, a woman can only afford a lipstick to cheer herself up." The good news about this is that the cosmetics companies will be working overtime in order to make sure women go to them and not the competition, coming out with new lines and colours, and pricing their ranges competitively. Which means that while you may not be able to afford to buy a dress to go with them, you should be able to get three sparkly new lipglosses for the price of one. I'll be ordering the red.
BETTER MANNERS
There's nothing like a spot of enforced collective poverty to remind you of your Ps and Qs. Since most folk tend to lose their manners when they're in a hurry, the economic slowdown is likely to have a positive effect on all those mobile-phone-on-public-transport-using idiots who yell things like 'I CAN'T TALK I'M ON THE TRAIN", often followed by "WHAT? WHY DID YOU NEVER MENTION THE RASH BEFORE?". Then there's the type of people who elbow you out the way during a Saturday afternoon at the shops. Since no-one will be at the shops anymore on a Saturday afternoon (unless you shop at Lidl or TK Maxx that is), chances are your ribs may make it through 2008 relatively bruise free.
MORE EVAN DAVIS
The loveable BBC economics editor is perhaps the only person on the planet who can make the words "four-firm concentration ratio" entertaining. Expect his ever-expanding fanbase to be permanently tuned to News 24, eager for a fix of Evan, his asset moves and his ever growing stimulus packages.
OLD-FASHIONED DATING
Another economist's theory (what are these guys on?) has it that recession can herald a move back to old-fashioned moral values. So forget about internet chatrooms and speed dating – 2008 will be the year of dinner and a movie, the five-date rule (look it up) and hand holding. Somehow I think the women are going to be keener on this one than the men.
BOARD GAMES
Snakes and Ladders, Cluedo, Risk – whatever your poison, this will be the year to indulge it as folk stay at home to save their pennies rather than party it up on the town.
And make sure you've got a Monopoly set – if things get as bad as they say, Monopoly money might be worth more than the real thing by the end of the year.
Age is no barrier in this racketDELIGHTED TO see the Scots doing so well on the international tennis scene, even if it is in the over-85s world championships. George Stewart, 87, of Scone, recently clinched the World Men's Tennis Doubles title in the Super-Seniors World Championships in a hard-fought match in New Zealand, proving the old adage that even in the youth-filled world of tennis, age really does come before beauty. Andy Murray and his perfectly toned torso should take note.
• OH, GREAT. More confusing news from the land of medical research. According to a study carried out at Harvard Medical School, three cups of coffee a day can apparently cut the risk of ovarian cancer. While anything that may lower the chances of cancer is a good thing, I can't help feeling somewhat bamboozled by all this chopping and changing on health issues.
Not so long ago we were being advised that coffee drinking was something that should be kept to a minimum, and could have all sorts of negative effects on the body – from increasing heartburn to doubling miscarriage risk – so much so that I had recently managed to cut back to one cup a day and was feeling rather pleased with myself about it. Oh well. I suppose I can crank it back up to two cups again. Now. Does anyone know whether it's safe to put milk in them?
Paxman and a load of old pantsWHO WOULD have thought Jeremy Paxman's undercarriage could provoke such feverish discussion? Paxman has caused something of a hoo-ha by complaining that Marks & Spencer's pants don't provide adequate support. Yesterday Sir Stuart Rose, M&S's chief executive, challenged Paxman to send in his underwear collection for "testing". "My message to Jeremy is: bring them in – we will put them to the test. We'll sort your tackle out." Normally this sort of statement, particularly from one man to another,
The full article contains 885 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
