LIKE all modern cities, we have a problem with gangs of aggressive street-smart youngsters with nothing more on their minds than emptying our pockets – the roving teams of charity workers whose daily task is to make us feel awkward, guilty or happy enough to sign up for whatever charity they represent.
Incidentally, of all the states they try to induce, it's the happy one I object to most – most of us should feel awkward or guilty about how little we do for charity, but I've seen too many people being stopped on the basis that they are just happy t
o have someone to talk to.
There is nothing wrong with charity. If it wasn't for charity I wouldn't have any friends whatsoever. But there is something not right when the act of taking a stroll through almost any central city area leads to one being regularly and persistently bothered.
And while they might call themselves a team internally, so do many gangs, and when they act like a gang they should be called one.
Wait! How can being made to cross the road – only to find that another sassy gang member is waiting there in ambush too – compare to the huge suffering these charities are seeking to alleviate? The answer is, it can't. But on the same basis neither does having someone shout, "give us your money" through the letterbox compare to the current suffering in what was Burma. And unless you're really desperate for company, we don't want that happening.
Defenders of the charity press gangs will point out that no-one forces you physically to stop; that no-one bothers you if you explain that you don't wish to be bothered. Which is right up to a point – it's quite common for these charity press gangs to offer sarcastic "have a nice day" and the like in your wake.
More importantly, having the opportunity to say no to being bothered is not the point. By the time you are saying no you have already been bothered. In direct contrast, it is possible to get taken off mailing, e-mailing and telephone lists so that no-one bothers you at home. The Telephone Preference Service, which governs phone cold-calls, does not give you a tinkle every day to offer you the opportunity not be called. They just don't call.
One good response to the press gangs is to ask questions. Ask them how much they are being paid. Not all are genuine volunteers; £9 an hour is not uncommon. As such they are being paid to care. Each gang has a leader who can be on commission depending how much their gang makes. You could also ask where the money goes.
One charity with an active gang I looked at is currently recruiting a director of corporate services for £51k a year. I'm not saying they don't need such a position, but you should be provided with an informed understanding when you are being button-holed on the street of what percentage of your money will be going towards administration and what percentage going to frontline charity work.
Finally, there is no good reason why the licensing of these gangs could not be put online, with actual council taxpayers – the people who pay for the streets and pavements required for their activity – deciding the which, the how many and the how often.
For the moment there is a special hi-tech badge you can wear to stop the harassment – it's called a mobile phone and if you hold it to your ear and mumble as you approach, the gang members part like the Red Sea and the way to the Promised Land of Starbucks opens.
Own goalWith a name like mine, it's hardly a surprise that the team of my birth was not Rangers. Apparently that sort of thing matters to some people – ie an aspect of your background over which you have no control should determine which football team you support. That type of medieval logic has no place in an intelligent world. Nor do the deliberations of the SPL in deciding that they would not move heaven and earth to help Rangers try to win the UEFA cup.
I'd forgotten how common it was for Scottish clubs – even ones that wave English flags – to achieve Euro-glory. Obviously the Russian authorities who have helped out their team in a similar fashion are idiots. Let's hope Rangers win so that further umbrage is averted.
You've got to laughUnwelcome though Billy Connolly's comments might be, his assertion that people from Edinburgh aren't as funny as people from Glasgow has some merit. But it's not connected to the immigrant heritage he identifies as the cause.
As US comedian Doug Stanhope points out, comedy thrives, is needed most in miserable places. The fact other two UK locations Connolly identifies as funny are Liverpool and East London more or less bears that out. Not much need for stand-up comedy on the Seychelles.
The full article contains 842 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
