Turbines for schools plan just a lot of wind

THE month of August is annually branded the "silly season" in the media, and for good reason, but I suggest there's no sillier period than the week between Christmas and New Year's Day.

In August the politicians have finally saved us from their interfering antics by going off to the Bahamas, Bordeaux or Bognor Regis. The result is a dearth of so-called hard news (proposals for new or higher taxes, new laws and bitter power struggles etc).

This creates a vacuum that needs to be filled by soft, if not bizarre, news (mother of ten invents new contraceptive method, donkey saves OAP in beach blizzard, Hibs manager and Rod Petrie announce civil partnership etc).

Well, you don't have to have the X-ray sight of Superman or the deductive powers of Sherlock Holmes to see from the news headlines that this time of year falls prey to the same dearth of real news.

Just like in August the MPs, MEPs and MSPs are enjoying more holidays, recovering from their serial overindulgence and willingness to serve up turkeys – and that's just the politics I'm talking about. If it weren't for the usual natural disaster of a flood, hurricane, earthquake or other such catastrophe that seems to accompany the turn of the year, journalists would have to start inventing stories.

They don't have to worry, of course, for there are always enough publicity-seeking do-gooders that are wise to the fact that where there's a news vacuum there's a self-publicist waiting in the wings. I know – I've done it myself and advised clients how to do it.

The nonsensical stories that have been dreamt up a month ago to fill this week's gaps were illustrated by the call for EVERY school to have its own windmill – by, of all people, the general secretary of the Scottish Secondary School Teachers Association, David Eaglesham. If it were Green MSP Robin Harper, it would be barmy but forgivable, as we've come to expect such "forward into the past" Heath-Robinson-style pipe dreaming from the Greens. For the brainwave to come from a trade union leader – whose sole reason for existing is to increase the number of members that will pay his salary and look after their interests, rather than that of the pupils, the schools or indeed the planet – well, that's clearly a bald attempt at publicity grabbing.

Never mind that these effete wind turbines would only work when the wind was blowing mildly – but would be useless when it's blowing a gale (every day under Porty High School's stilt legs) or when it's becalmed (an admittedly unknown experience in wind-lashed Edinburgh). Working at a poor 30 per cent efficiency during school terms, and with so many holidays when they would not be needed, they would be a waste of money. When there's so much to be done to improve our children's literacy and numeracy, they would be a criminal waste of money.

I suppose maths teachers could use these white elephants of the future to set questions about revolutions per minute, geography teachers could map out the wind vectors and music teachers – well, they could just whistle in the wind, as there would be no money for instruments.

I have no doubt one or two schools could take advantage of renewable energy generation, but EVERY school?

The fact is that with the deep-seated educational problems that our poorest children face – evidenced by the recent comparative studies that show us slipping down the international leagues and England overtaking us – the last people we should be taking advice from are the union leaders who are responsible for so many of the difficulties that our teachers now face in the classroom.

I've a better story for David Eaglesham to punt, and I'm sure it makes greater sense than his fanciful drivel. It is to announce his retirement at the earliest opportunity – in preference for someone who knows their physics from their creative writing.

That would return the silly season to August, where it should be.

New laws? Just beef up old ones
I'M not a person for introducing more legislation when there are far too many laws already that, were they applied more diligently, would suffice perfectly well and make it simpler for everyone to understand where they stand. So I am glad to see that, rather than bring in a whole host of extra laws to persecute drivers, the Westminster government is considering making the existing driving test far harder – requiring a full year's study and practice.

This surely can't be a bad thing. The insurance industry is meant to be behind the pressure for a longer, harder test so that younger drivers in particular will behave more responsibly. I hope the theory is sound, but I have one question for the insurance firms: If this all goes according to plan and the number of accidents are reduced, will our premiums be reduced?

How ITV gets by with help from golden oldies, notably the Queen
I WAS pleased to read that Her Majesty the Queen's Christmas message to the people this year enjoyed an audience boom, as I predicted it would, last week.

Coming in above Coronation Street – ITV's only top ten entry – some 9.1 million viewers apparently watched her on terrestrial TV while another 1.1 million used the internet-based YouTube to see the message – which included 800,000 hits on a re-run of her first Christmas Day broadcast from 1957 (I missed it that time as I had to wait another two weeks to arrive into the world!).

Maybe the ITV bosses should be having tea at the Palace to enquire of our monarch just how she has managed to see out Ena Sharples, Elsie Tanner and Mike Baldwin. Still, the dominance of the soaps at Christmas remains a cause for much regret, as so much of its drama is mutton passed off as lamb.

The BBC's gamble to resurrect To the Manor Born and its continued high production values for Doctor Who should all be applauded. Maybe if, for Christmas, John Steed was to reprise The Avengers and Simon Templar to return as The Saint – with new young actors in the key roles that the public would swoon for – ITV could top the charts again.

If you think that's as barmy as windmills on school roofs, let me remind you of the success of the series Life on Mars – there's gold in them there Seventies oldies.