Wake up and smell the booze

IF you had any doubt that Edinburgh remains a contender in the Civic Buffoonery Premier League, consider the following. It has long been acknowledged by public, politicians and terrified French tourists alike that Edinburgh has a late-night drink problem; for those who have failed to witness the carnival of filth that passes for a Friday and Saturday night out in central Edinburgh, helpful puddles of vomit, urine and other less pleasant material can be found to suggest the tone of festivities.

Many hands have been wrung in attempting to find a solution to this problem. One absolute and inescapable conclusion is that Edinburgh must begin to provide an alternative to the pub as a means of social entertainment. When the only place you can go at night is somewhere that exists first and foremost to push alcohol, then you don't need Vasco da Gama's binoculars to see where that journey ends.

So what we require as an absolute necessity is more – or indeed one – central, late-night coffee shop that could serve as a nexus for peace and tranquillity; a beacon of caffeine-filled, jittery mirth that through the communal consumption of jumbo raisin scones would show that not every night out need end in dislocation – financial, social, geographic or shoulder.

As such, you might have thought that the proposal to allow the most central Starbucks in Edinburgh to become a latte lighthouse of hope by opening around the clock would have seen local councillors throwing down palm fronds of joy to welcome the hospitable baristas into the warm heart of the city. Instead, the same councillors who should have known better have decided to kick the baristas out, with the aid of a local police chief applying a cattle-prod to the non-alcoholic donkey carrying their wares.

Let me get this right; obviously the very last thing you want to do when trying to create an alternative to the culture of late-night binge drinking is facilitate the opening of night-time alternatives to going to the pub; alternatives that serve nothing more violence-inducing than a double-espresso.

What scenarios are being envisaged? Imaginative as I can be on occasion – just ask my bank – I don't know how under-frothed a cappuccino would have to be to set off a riot, amusing though it is to picture riot police Tasering Starbucks customers as they vacillate between holding on to their Grande Americano and protecting their laptop. We don't need to imagine certain scenarios – hospitals have ample evidence of the damage that alcohol causes, as do social workers as do, er, the police.

Why not ask your average constable what he/she thinks would be easier and cheaper to police – any of the late-night Cowgate establishments or ten branches of Starbucks? Better still, lets find some genuine, admissible international comparisons. The suspicion would be that the body-bags attributable to Starbucks will be marginally lower over the course of a year.

I would defy the councillors who took this moronic decision and the police chief who pushed for it to stand in front of their international peers brandishing what passes for their "reasoning" and not be labelled a laughing stock. If there exists any evidence to support the view that allowing a Starbucks to open is a recipe for disorder, let it be shown now.

One police chief's conjecture should not be allowed to hold back the much needed reform of a supposedly leading, supposedly European capital city.

Inventive neighbour
When it comes to sheer bloody-mindedness, Scotland takes some beating. Step forward latest champion, Omar Makdad, of Restalrig.

Somewhat chagrined by his neighbour's alleged noises in the wee small hours, Mr Makdad set up a fearsome combination of "television, stereo, radio, vacuum cleaner and air compressor" to imitate a jet landing and thus curtail his neighbour's alleged noisiness through imitative intimidation. Apart from his quaint use of a "stereo", the inventiveness of this – ultimately Asbo-inducing – set-up is a marvel of ingenuity. Perhaps we could enlist Mr Makdad – using only resources already in existence – to solve some of the city's bigger problems, such as cobble-cleaning and drunk dispersal.

Broad-minded church
I have in the past supported the right of Scientology to exist, receiving nothing but abuse for this brazen endorsement of Western liberal thought and tradition.

I would now advise Scientology that in seeking the prosecution of a man who protested outside their Edinburgh HQ with a sign reading "Greedy Cu*t", Scientologists are failing to embrace the right to free speech. If you want to be a church, then receiving the same public and occasionally insulting treatment as other churches is part of the deal.