Oh for pity's sake! Now they're blaming Santa for childhood obesity??? Let's force Santa to go on a diet or ban him from Christmas - or should that be from "the holidays". Heaven forbid that we actually mention the word "Christ" these days.

I've heard everything now!

Always wondered how Santa - fat git that he is - squeezed down my chimney! ; )

Quite right! In the old days, children aspired to be engine drivers or astronauts, but now they yearn for a career as Santa Claus. (We hardly like to break it to them that it's not steady work.)

The jolly, red, rotund figure they see each December so fires them up that they spend the rest of the year clamouring for super-size burgers, deep-fried Mars bars, sugar-laden drinks and the like. How they long to put on weight so they can pass the interview! How they dream of yanking Rudolf, unwilling, from his stable and into the glamour of that frosty, star-sparkled night…!

Seriously, are the words 'expert' and 'moron' synonyms now?

Try "oxymoron". It seems to fit the article.