‘HELLO!" The voice bellows across the relative peace and quiet of the railway carriage packed with commuters. "I’M ON THE TRAIN!"
Almost inevitably there follows a loud, animated but largely uninteresting discussion about the chances of a lift from the station, what’s for tea and whether the caller should just stop off for a takeaway.
"But . . . Chinese or Indian?"
And
so it continues. The caller - by now bawling in order to be heard over the clatter of the wheels - is, of course, oblivious to the inward screams of his or her fellow passengers.
They, on the other hand, may now take heart. For the backlash against the inconsiderate and downright rude mobile phone user epitomised by Dom Jolly’s Trigger Happy TV character is under way.
Earlier this month one American transport police officer struck a blow - literally, it is claimed - for every commuter, theatre goer, film viewer or restaurant diner who has ever had to suffer someone else’s ear-splitting mobile phone conversation.
Sakinah Aaron had, in George Saoutis’s view, been talking just a bit too loudly into her mobile as she walked into a Metro station in Washington DC. He told the pregnant 23-year-old to lower her voice - and was promptly informed that he had no right to tell her how to speak. There followed a verbal exchange and some pushing and shoving before Aaron found herself stewing for three hours in a cell.
Eventually, she was released - but not before being charged with acting in a "disorderly manner that disturbed the peace" and resisting arrest.
While she protests at his heavy-handed approach, the city’s transit police and Metro officials say the officer was protecting the peace, arguing that mobile phones have become just another instrument of public loutishness.
They have called for new laws aimed at clamping down on inconsiderate mobile phone users.
Hollywood actor Kevin Spacey would probably agree. He recently attacked theatre audiences in London who allowed their mobile phones to ring during performances, saying people who refuse to switch off their phones shouldn’t come to the theatre.
And no doubt the unnamed actor appearing at one recent National Theatre production would also welcome a clamp down on mobiles. He eventually asked the audience member whose phone had gone off six times to leave the theatre.
Of course, it’s an easy mistake to make - television presenter Stephen Jardine has held his hands up to an embarrassing episode at the Usher Hall when his wife’s forgotten mobile phone suddenly sprang into action with a particularly cheesy ring tone just as the orchestra reached a crescendo.
"I’ve been groped on live TV and once I forgot the name of the defence minister during a studio interview - but nothing will ever compare to my embarrassment," he recalls. But with the UK now boasting some 50 million mobiles, phone etiquette is becoming a major issue.
The only mobile-free zones seem to be on aircraft and in hospitals - because signals interfere with equipment, although many golf clubs have banned mobiles from the fairways to retain on-course tranquility.
But a quick look across the Atlantic may give us a hint of what’s heading our way.
Americans recently devoted a whole month to encouraging better mobile phone manners, when businesses were encouraged to set up special phone zones for mobile users to hold their conversations without disturbing the peace. Many restaurants there have introduced phone booths - some have snapped up defunct red telephone boxes from Britain where mobile users can retreat to hold their conversations.
Of course, here the situation is not quite as bad . . . yet. But there are signs some people are becoming increasingly frustrated. There have been reports of commuters on the Edinburgh to Glasgow line buying mobile phone jammers, which can disable all mobile phones within a 30-foot radius.
The jammers, which cost around £150 on the internet, use radio waves to interrupt the signal between the phone and its base station. The latest models are themselves designed to look like mobile phones. However, using them is a criminal offence, with a maximum sentence of two years in jail.
One unnamed commuter, who claims to use a jammer, has been quoted saying:
"Annoyances are now dealt with in an instant. I bring shouty and pointless conversations to a swift conclusion. I know of two other people using these devices in the same way."
ONCE off the train, though, Edinburgh people don’t seem too bad when it comes to "techiquette" - although it’s a different matter when there are visitors in town.
George Kelso, chef and proprietor of Haldanes in Albany Street, says most Edinburgh diners seem to practise good phone manners.
"Usually if someone’s phone does go, they get up from their table and go just outside the restaurant.
"To be honest, it’s usually when we have guests up from London that we have more mobiles ringing. It seems to be quite normal down there for people to talk on their mobile when dining."
Ian Howie, duty manager at the Cameo cinema, agrees. "Everyone who comes here is very well-mannered when it comes to mobiles. If there ever are problems, it tends to be during the Film Festival, when we have a lot of visitors to the city."
Val Wheedon, of the UK Noise Association, says the time has come for mobile phone users to be properly educated in etiquette by retailers when they buy their equipment - before the problem escalates.
"We have seen a significant increase in the number of people complaining about annoyance from inconsiderate mobile phone users," she says.
Mobile phone companies do seem aware of how irritating their products can be - some have already taken steps to encourage users to be more considerate.
A spokeswoman for Orange says: "We encourage customers to take other people into consideration when using their phone. Our recent cinema adverts remind people how irritating it is to hear a phone ring during a film."
Meanwhile, Vodafone, which has more than 14 million customers in the UK alone, has published a mobile etiquette guide, urging users to avoid texting and holding a conversation at the same time.
If that fails, mobile users may find themselves increasingly having to abide by more "no mobiles" rules.
Such as in Italy, where Milan’s famed La Scala opera house now forces audience members to check their phones in at the cloakroom after enduring countless interruptions during performances,
and in Ireland, where many priests have been forced to plaster posters outside church doors warning users to switch off before entering. One cleric says he was forced to act after a wedding where the father of the bride took a call during the vows.
Closer to home, rail companies Virgin and GNER have introduced "quiet cars", where mobile phone chat is banned.
"It’s coach D - d for do not disturb," says a spokeswoman for GNER. "We ask that passengers in that carriage keep their mobile phone on silent. If they want to talk, they are asked to go to another carriage."
So far, it seems, it still is good to talk. Just try to do it quietly. Or else.
