Is it Mr Finnie or Captain Mainwaring?

IT HAS been impossible to open the papers in the past few days without being confronted by the jowly chops of Ross Finnie, although the number of sightings is distorted by numerous pictures of his dopp-elganger, Captain Mainwaring.

How were the commissioning editors who chose to serialise Arthur Lowe’s biography to know that Finnie and his prejudices would break cover in the same week?

"Self-important. Vain. Bigoted", ran one headline beside Finnie holding a gun, or was it Mainwaring?

"Intemperate", "undiplomatic", they were saying of Mainwaring. Or was it Finnie?

One thing is certain, at least. Captain Mainwaring, an Englishman who did not suffer fools, would not have taken kindly to Mr Finnie or his remarks about the English.

I once sat next to the environment and rural development minister at a dinner and he didn’t seem to notice that I was English. In fact, he didn’t seem to notice me at all. Like the boss of the CBI, Digby Jones, I might have been offended but I was luckier. On my other side sat Andrew Wilson, the SNP’s defender of the English.

Dinner that night was a decidedly well-balanced affair.

I WONDER if Ross Finnie realises how penetrating the repercussions of his off-the-cuff insult have been. In Radio Four’s Today studio the other day, the BBC’s political hack Martha Kearney was on teeth-grinding good form as she took her turn at the nation’s premier presenting slot. Her colleague that morning, regular James Naughtie, burred contentedly at her side. All was well and listeners could be forgiven for assuming that Martha had already bagged the coveted job, so smug did she sound.

Then Naughtie turned to the Finnie item and a mist descended. The "English prat" phrase rolled off Jim’s tongue with a certain relish, accused Kearney (English). "Not at all, not at all," retorted Naughtie (Scottish) frostily. Now insiders are saying that Martha cannot possibly co-host Today on a permanent basis if relations with Naughtie are strained. And for that we must thank Ross Finnie.

JUST when we thought it was safe to venture back into the kitchen in our slattern’s garb, hair wiry, expressions sullen and chests flat, up pops Nigella for another bout of televised domestic triumphalism. After an absence from our sitting rooms that seemed like weeks to us, years to our men-folk, she returns tonight with Forever Summer with Nigella (something only she could pull off in September).

And what a hoot it promises to be. Lashings of everything, thrown together with wit and ingenuity, and over-sauced with Nigella’s flirty yet fetching delivery. Her porcelain complexion will appear translucent, her dark brown curls glossy, and her sweaters tight. We know this because, like Ross Finnie, Nigella’s face (not to mention figure) has been plastered all over the place this week. There is no escape.

Across the land, men who had slipped into a post-Nigella complacence over their women’s worthy but dull lasagnes and frozen peas will suddenly want more. They will demand "utterly transformational" chicken, salads (yes, even those) that are "deeply pleasurable", and pies that are "yieldingly rich". They will lay down their lives for the woman who says "when it comes to a feast, I don’t know the meaning of enough".

And they will begin to look askance at the bitten nails, baggy eyes and rounded shoulders of their own house fraus, dreaming - you know they are - of how much better it could, should, be.

We cannot compete and we must not try. We can only sit it out, pray that it’s not a very long series this time, and fall back on that old placebo, the fish supper.

WHY, oh why, does Prince Edward get such a bad press? In refusing to drop plans to open a causeway between Eriskay and South Uist on 11 September, he is apparently guilty of gross insensitivity and has provoked howls of outrage from all quarters. He cannot put a foot right, whether he is carrying out royal duties, pursuing his much-ridiculed career or escorting his much-pilloried wife.

I don’t know him, but I once met a man who did. This fellow was a gamekeeper and in his opinion Edward was "the best of the lot of them", the toughest on the hills and the nicest. He quit the Royal Marines, said my informant, because having been pushed into the corps by his father, he soon realised it was not for him and didn’t want to waste his instructor’s time.

Couldn’t we love him a little more - and Nigella a little less? Sorry, I didn’t mean that.

WE ARE assured that the Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, is talking to both sides in the ongoing firemen’s dispute in an attempt to avert strike action. So increase your fire premiums immediately.