THIS past week I have done virtually nothing. Or rather in the real world I have done very little because I have been living a very full and exciting virtual life. In 'reality' I went to the supermarket a few times, performed several self-maintenance duties, ate and slept. I did not talk to a single soul other than a few checkout assistants.
Meanwhile, in my virtual week, I went to three indierock gigs, attended a lecture by the world's leading philosopher, watched strangers having sex, swapped music and jokes with seven friends, went book shopping, was reunited with an old German buddy,
spoke on Skype for eight hours and stared down at real-time footage of my own rooftop from a Nasa satellite.
The funny thing is, I didn't even set out to be a 'geek for a week'. Not for a second did I think: "Hey, how cool to do my work, socialising and relaxation all from one screen." It's just that, as a typical freelance 39-year-old male, my two main friends now live abroad and working from home offers no opportunities to meet new people, unless online. And there are many like me.
Of course I could have gone out and got some exercise, but actually the club I go to is almost virtual too. Getting in and out of the car is the only awful 'reality' bit, but as soon as I'm in the temperature-controlled health club, I can avoid all the stinking strangers and head to the treadmill that gives me control of 24 TV channels or a virtual simulation of a run in a park.
I could have gone out to one of Glasgow's few cultural events and made an effort to make new friends but my online news footage was showing re-runs of Rangers fans violently attacking the police so I decided not to risk it. It reminded me of what Baudrillard said in the 90s – he predicted that the more seductive the virtual world became, the more violent and impoverished the real world would become.
He was being ironic, but it's true enough: if I can live virtually then why should I care if the world outside starts getting worse, or if I'm making it worse?
On a more positive note, sitting on my bum I have this week performed a great service to humanity: I took part in a poll on who would be the next US president (and opinion polls do influence political outcomes). Surprisingly, AOL had not asked me if I was an American citizen – but hey, American troops get to kill real people in virtual simulations so why shouldn't the rest of the world get to vote on regime change in the US?
I also discovered that we can now deal with our own neighbours virtually. There are new websites that allow us to grass on anti-social behaviour and to shop parents to the social services who we suspect of neglecting their children, all without even having to knock on their door or speak to them.
Ah, yes, we've come a long way. I recall in 1993 laughing at my computer geek friend, who was extremely excited by the launch of this brand new thing called the World Wide Web.
"The whuh-whuh what? Nah, it'll never catch on," I said. He tried to demonstrate, but before he could, his computer crashed.
Now everything is the other way around. I'm getting plugged into the high-speed future while all around me reality is crashing. To hell with it, the real world was overrated anyway.
