I AM a pair of jug ears. I am a double chin. I am a flat chest. I am a pot belly. I am a blubbery bum. I am a big nose. I am a bald head. I am thunder thighs. I am moobs.
If you met someone who defined themselves this way, you'd reckon they were a little twisted. If a friend described herself as a list of bodily "defects", you'd recommend a session on the therapist's couch. You can't reduce the complexity that is Homo
sapiens to a single body part.
But people with body-image issues focus on physical attributes we deem hideously flawed and use them as scaffolding on which to hang – and strangle – our self-esteem.
There are many exercises to help combat toxic thought patterns. I didn't invent them, nor are they newly minted, but tried and tested by doctors, researchers and psychologists. (Thus it's all the more worrying that, after decades of wrestling with my weight and why I eat, I still need reminders to reframe my thoughts along healthier lines.)
Early in life we learn that beauty is only skin deep – yet it's so consistently fussed over that it's easy to obsess about our looks and allow them to define us. But if I asked you to list the top ten traits of a great doctor, lawyer, parent, artist or boss, would appearance come into the list?
In other words: would Evelyn Glennie's music be more magnificent if she wasn't deaf? Of course not!
So shouldn't that logic apply to you? List your ten best characteristics. For example, are you brave, inventive, poetic? Surely you're all those things no matter what you weigh? Aren't these traits more defining than whether your dress size is single or double digits? They say no-one at your funeral will reminisce about your cellulite; they'll recall your loyalty, your sense of humour – the stuff that really made you you.
Shocking as it may seem, your values and qualities won't vanish because you ate a bag of chips.
Cultivate a "beginner's mind". View the world as if it was your first day on Earth. Amazing place, isn't it? Let wonder and appreciation be your default settings.
This is one I personally swear by. Because my walk to work begins at the Meadows, I make time to stop shouting at myself and pause to revel in the grass, trees, flowers, birds, dogs and the stonking view of Arthur's Seat and Salisbury Crags.
In forgetting myself, delight wins the day. "I get to live here!" is my gleeful mantra, a reminder that whatever plagues me, the world is bigger still. Feeling a connection to the larger universe makes it easier to grasp that the meaning of life is more than what you own, or lack, or weigh.
Appreciate your body. Arms may be flabby but they're useful for lifting children and pets, for gardening and painting. The legs may jiggle, but they get us from point A to point B very effectively.
Stop thinking that if you were thinner (prettier, sexier), you'd have more love – or better, more durable love. I am mindful of Fisher Stevens, the not particularly attractive bloke who had a three-year relationship with Michelle Pfeiffer, whom I'd cite as one of the world's great beauties. But it didn't stop him cheating on her. They're just one example – beautiful women have more opportunities, but no edge when it comes to lasting happiness.
Finally, bear in mind that if you spoke to your friends the way you speak to yourself, you would lose them. Try paying yourself compliments and treating your body – and psyche – with all the love, kindness and forgiveness you'd offer your best mate.
It may sound easy, but for some of us, it's harder than algebra.
