WHEN Barack Obama was elected president, the world anticipated an American renaissance. Citizens would rediscover their innate perkiness and reawaken the spunky "can do" spirit characteristic of the nicest bit of our national persona.
How wrong we were! My countrymen are more depressed now than at any point in Bush's reign. What makes me say that? The proof is in the packaging: Americans have totally abandoned tailoring.
It started with Snuggie™, "the blanket with sleeves (perf
ect for men or women)". Its USP, what makes it such a (hee hee) technological wonder, is a pair of holes that liberate your hands. Suggested applications include: "Work the remote, use your laptop or do some reading in total warmth and comfort!"
Made of that now ubiquitous fibre-not-found-in-nature, fleece, it's available in primary red or blue, or sage green, and costs $19.95. There's a buy-one-get-one free offer that strikes me as shockingly optimistic, since the last thing Snuggie™ does is improve your chances of having someone to share a sofa with.
Next came the up-market Slanket®, with 11 colours on offer, including two shades each of blue and green. I'd love to meet whoever wrote their pitch, a masterpiece of repetition and overstatement:
"Slanket® is a gigantic fleece blanket with sleeves. A very soft-to-the-touch, lightweight, but warm fleece blanket with large, loose sleeves designed so you don't feel like you're wearing the blanket, simply wrapped up in its wonder."
The drape of these things suggests wearers took monastic vows, though by the look of them, Slanket's® models were trapped overnight in a Buckfast bottling plant.
(Given America's obesity epidemic, I wonder how many are finding Slanket® too Snuggie™?)
Not to be outdone, Britain invented Lippiselk – basically a down-filled sleeping bag with arms and legs. Take that, you mad blanket-swathers! Wearing this, you can stand up, walk around, even cross your legs, thanks to a system of reversible zippers. It costs a bomb, and Tommy Sheridan wore one on Celebrity Big Brother, which is all the reason I need to run the other way.
Still, its existence emphasises my thesis. We hear that the recession is hitting the UK harder than anywhere else – and God knows I feel slapped – but we can still be bothered with seams and structure!
If you need further proof that the decimation of the once proud American spirit is a done deal, what about this week's news that denizens of the 50 states are now too enervated to even secure their towels?
To cope with this sweeping social problem, they invented Wearable Towel™. Eschewing the polyester microfibres so beloved of those who've given up the sartorial ghost, this is made from 100 per cent cotton, thus harking back to America's agricultural roots. It comes in patriotic red, white, and blue, though thankfully that refers to individual garments and not a riotous flag-themed print.
Wearable Towel™ is, um, a towel, boasting three arm holes along one side. It "does not employ the use of any fastener" and may be worn in the style of either a toga or a tunic. If technology allowed me to show you their stop-motion instructional photos I so would – they're priceless. Reliable sources say the infomercial is even funnier, but I live in fear of reopening old surgical scars. And here I was thinking we couldn't sink any lower than velcro-fastening shoes!
