American humorist Rich Hall explains why the US has fallen for Barack Obama and turned its face against John McCain in the race for the White House.
ELECTING a president is a crazy process. You have two narcissistic people who actually believe they are qualified to run the most powerful country in the world. You've got to have a pretty overdeveloped sense of destiny to think that. I'm always curi
ous to know where this comes from in politicians. Their wives, their families, their peers? Do they wake up in the middle of the night and say: "I'm the guy, I'm the guy you need to do it." That fascinates the hell out of me because I'd never think like that. No normal person would. We, however, call this 'democracy' and we're trying to export it to the rest of the world. And we wonder why the rest of the world ain't so keen. What we have in the States is a shit sandwich and you get to choose if you want brown bread or white bread.
I'm fairly certain that I'm voting for Barack Obama, although in any other circumstances it might be different because I like John McCain. I think he's fairly straightforward and had he run as an independent he may have stood a chance. As it is, a lot of people will not associate with him because he's running as a Republican.
It's the young voters in particular who will make the difference this time around. They are the raw-faced idealists, and Obama is a fantastic idealist himself; it's the perfect fit. Whether that idealism translates into effective politics when in office it's difficult to say, but people want to end a crappy decade by saying that they've voted in a black president, that they've done something significant. Not that it worked with Robert Mugabe, but if at first you don't succeed…
Obama's really been very smart to say nothing about anything. Anyone who ends up promising to do anything has it held against them for ever. Do you remember when Hillary Clinton was vice-president – sorry, I mean First Lady – and as soon as she set foot in the White House she promised that she'd make healthcare affordable for everyone? "No you f***ing won't," I said, along with half the nation. "You will walk around the White House and tell Bill what to do and that's about it."
Obama's got a lot of sense. He knows that every time he and McCain say the word "change" and actually mean it, you can add another $5bn to the budget because change don't come for free. The voters know that too.
The thing that no one wants to talk about with Obama is that he's a Chicago politician. Now that's a city that's extremely well managed with an extremely corrupt system of government, which may be what we need. He knows how to work the system and if he gets to the White House he'll have people to bring in to make the system work. He'll go in there like Sean Connery in The Untouchables. You know, "You come at me with a warrant and I'll come at you with a subpoena; you come at me with a judicial writ and I'll come at you with a legislative amendment; you come at me with a veto then I'll come at you with a hammer."
Obama's very smart to promise nothing and to keep playing the idealistic card and then let people go away and vote on the basis of heart rather than head. And that's what happens generally: the American public has a very short attention span.
Obama avoided all hostages to fortune, which is why he was maybe sensible to avoid Hillary as his running mate.
McCain pulled a stunt with Sarah Palin, and it worked for a little while, but it didn't hold up because all of a sudden you had guys going, "who is this woman and what qualifies this hockey mom, moose-killer to be a heartbeat away from the presidency? What's it got to do with her? Unless al-Qaeda invade the White House on ice skates, how's she gonna come in useful?" I thought it was an interesting choice, and she comes across as a likeable woman, but come on!
Maybe some voters will vote for her because the Republicans at last have a hunter who can shoot what they're aiming at rather than peppering their guests from point-blank range, as Dick Cheney did. She reinvigorated McCain's campaign and, on balance, she's probably been a good source of votes for him because at least a lot of people know who she is. I mean, who the hell knows who Joe Biden is?
Yet Biden and Palin matter, because the problem is we're all thinking the same thing about McCain and Obama: you're probably gonna die in office. With Obama I think you can discount the racist element because I think it's overplayed. Still, Nelson Mandela was the first black leader of South Africa and he got inaugurated in a big plastic bullet-proof hamster cage. We could get one of those round ones and roll Obama around in it. Or maybe get an American classic, like a Buick, and give it the Popemobile makeover.
But the whole racist element in American society is notoriously ineffective at arranging anything and I don't think the threat will come from there. It'll be something far more sinister, like an al-Qaeda operative, an Iraqi undercover squad, a Russian hitman, or the French. It's best not to write any more about it: I'll just give them ideas.
Race has played virtually no part in this election, but that hasn't really surprised me. If you look at anyone for long enough on the gogglebox you no longer notice their race, you notice what they are.
Obama has 'politician' written all over him. That's what I see; I never sit there and think about the fact that he's black. And he doesn't do much to remind you that he's black: he's not a fire-in-the-belly Old Testament man like Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton preaching from the mountain top. In fact if you only ever listened to him on the radio you'd never know he was black. I think he needs to work on his black credentials. But Harvard and Yale transcend any colour, creed or religion. If Obama may not make it through a whole term, what about McCain? He's been so desperate to get this job that he probably wouldn't dare die in office. McCain's health is an issue though. The guy looks as if he swallows golf balls before he speaks. He's got something going on with that jaw, I don't know what that is. Maybe it's a listening post implanted by the Vietnamese or something.
Bush reckoned that voters are generally gonna go for the guy you could have a beer with, but that's not the situation this time around. We want someone who can get us out of debt, get us out of war and get the country back on the right track. Americans are aware that their standing as far as the rest of the world goes is fairly low right now, so they know they've got to restore their reputation because Americans are proud to be the superpower that the rest of the world fears and respects, and wants to be like. So America needs a leader who can restore our lustre. Because of Iraq and because our economy's dragging the world's finances down the toilet, we're the world's whipping boy.
McCain has done his best to distance himself from Bush, and has been quite successful, but he's still a Republican. Remember that Americans love regime change, and if we can't get one overseas then we'll happily settle for one at home. You would have though that, when Bill Clinton left, Al Gore would waltz into office because things were going so well, but Americans don't like it that easy – they like to punish themselves if things are going too good – so they hired themselves a benign dictator.
We all thought Bush would be kicked out four years ago but the Democrats completely screwed up. They should award medals if you can blow an election like Kerry did. He thought he had it won and didn't bother going after the young, the minorities, the swing voters. Big mistake.
Not that the same will happen to Obama. He's so far ahead in the polls he's clearly concerned that Democrat voters may not turn up on polling day, but he's wrong because the great American public will definitely turn up to vote this time around. It's such an occasion that I think there will be a huge voter turnout. Everyone will want to say they were involved. It'll be even bigger than Bush v Gore. It'll be like when Bruce Springsteen is in town and you hate Springsteen but you still go to see him because it's the biggest show in town, so you still wanna be part of it.
I definitely get a sense that Americans have re-engaged with politics because Obama is someone that everyone can latch on to. Although it's a bit annoying sometimes that it's an election on which everyone has a view - when I hear that Ben Affleck and Jackson Browne are behind Obama I just go, "oh for christsakes!" The other day I found myself screaming at the television: "Shut up you two or you're gonna ruin it!"
People now look at the presidential election in the same way they look at movie trailers: they tell you a lot but you've got to wait until later to find out the full story.
I reckon Obama would make the best job of running the country, but I'm happy to admit that's a shot in the dark. I may have thought differently two years ago, but the political landscape has changed: at this particular time it's about fixing the economy, which plays to a Democrat; a couple of years ago it was Iraq, which played to McCain's strengths more. But the basic American sentiment now is "to hell with Iraq, we want someone who can fix our own damn democracy, our own economy".
McCain has been a bit unlucky with his timing. He was doing okay and only took a really sharp downturn when he tried to step in and help manage the big bailout. He took time out of campaigning and wanted to cancel one of the debates when everyone knew he wasn't that instrumental in finding the solution. McCain looked like he was trying to be our leader before he was elected while Obama was very smart and sat back. That episode was the perfect illustration of how Obama's tactic of calling for change all the time and doing absolutely nothing is exactly the right strategy, while McCain looked ridiculous.
Lots of things have bothered me about this campaign, and none more so than hearing about McCain's stinking war record every five minutes. He's been dining out on that for half a century, and although it was no doubt a horrible and terrible time for him, in what way does spending five and a half years in a prisoner of war camp in Vietnam qualify you for becoming president? It doesn't. And no one ever wants to bring up the fact that McCain crashed five jets.
This election matters. I think Obama will win by a pretty substantial margin but I don't think it'll be a landslide. It's remarkable how ingrained voting patterns are, and I don't think enough Republicans will ever change their minds to give him a landslide. But at least if Obama finds himself in the White House he'll have a Democrat majority on Capitol Hill and will be able to get a lot done.
If Obama will hit the ground running, so will I. For all comedians, the Bush era has been eight great years on top of the laugh-a-minute era of Bill Clinton. But nothing lasts for ever and I'm already looking forward to having someone else but Bush to make fun of. It's time for a new challenge, and as soon as Obama becomes president it'll be open season on him. Remember, Obama may look pretty good now but he ain't Mahatma Gandhi, he ain't perfect. That'll become all too clear, just you wait and see.
