Kylie....The Musical

At last we're going to get a musical based on the life of our favourite pop princess. It's a masterpiece just waiting to be written, discovers Claire Black, who drafts a potential plot centred on Kylie's greatest hits

WHAT'S a pint-sized Antipodean pop icon to do when she's already bagged the world tours, the homeware range, the perfume, the lingerie? She's even beaten cancer, for goodness sake. For Kylie Minogue it seems that the only thing for it is to team up with fellow Aussie, Kathy Lette, and write a West End musical based on her extensive back catalogue, of course. If those bearded, middle-aged Swedish blokes can do it with Mamma Mia! then two Aussie firecrackers surely can.

But just incase they're struggling for plot ideas we've taken a quick flick through Kylie's hits to come up with our own version.

ACT ONE, SCENE I (BASSITERS GARAGE IN AN AUSTRALIAN CITY SUBURB)

CHARMAINE, a plucky, happy-go-lucky car mechanic has a sneaking suspicion that there's more to life than tuning the utes of the local surf dudes. It's not that she doesn't love her dungarees and the thrill of a finely tuned engine, the whole nature of Locomotion has fascinated her since she was a child, but she feels stuck in a rut with her no-mark boyfriend, Dingbat. After all, she is a Red Blooded Woman and there's only so much pleasure you can get from the Spinning Around of a perfectly adjusted fan belt.

ACT ONE, SCENE II (A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CHANCE)

ONE day, as Charmaine adds the finishing touches to some bodywork that showed the Tell Tale Signs of rust, a sports car roars into the forecourt. From the driver's seat steps a man so perfectly bronzed and with teeth so white Charmaine has to lower her welder's mask to cope with the glare. Despite his strangely high-waisted trousers and pseudo flattop haircut, Charmaine finds herself strangely attracted to the mysterious stranger.

Singing as she works, suddenly she becomes aware of a looming presence near her. "My name's Simon Dowell and I can make you a popstar," the man says somewhat improbably after telling her that his brake pads might need to be replaced.

Could this be Love at First Sight wonders Charmaine as she slides beneath the chassis. "Come away with me," croons the pop svengali, who incidentally is delighted with the new brakes. "I Should Be So Lucky," sighs Charmaine. But, as Dowell revs his engine, she asks breathlessly, "Hand On Your Heart, Mr Dowell, do you think I could be a star?"

As Dowell's car roars towards the shimmering horizon, Charmaine thinks to herself: "I've Nothing to Lose, Dingbat's a deadbeat, the garage is great but it's playing havoc with my manicure. I've always loved to sing and here's my chance for stardom." She goes home to pack.

ACT TWO, SCENE I (THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF THE BIG SMOKE)

LONDON. With one pull-along case filled with her favourite gold hotpants and another filled with tools (as Charmaine's dear old dad always said as he threw snags on the barbie, "Dal, you never know when a sprocket set will come in handy") and Dowell's oil-stained business card gripped in her tiny hand, Charmaine is ready for pop stardom.

So she's not got the greatest voice. So she can't really dance. But she's plucky and happy go-lucky, gay men love her and she just Can't Get (Simon) Out of Her Head. He's the only one who has told her "I Believe in You" and she believed him when he said it.

Chart-topping hits follow one after another and the Celebration begins.

ACT TWO, SCENE II

SIMON may have an ear for hits but he also has eyes only for himself. He can't stop looking at himself and soon Charmaine can't stand it any longer.

Her heart is broken. "But I came here Especially For You," she whimpers. "Put Yourself in My Place, how would you feel if I told you I prefer looking at myself or at some panel member on a second-rate reality talent show who looks like she could be my sister if it wasn't that she's had so much Botox she can barely move her face?"

Breathe, she'd tell herself as their fights would rage, but On a Night Like This eventually there'd be Tears On Her Pillow. The end had come.

Never lucky in love, Charmaine had had her fill of those types – the wild child rocker, the ex-boy band over-reacher, the Gallic charmer. Kids all of them.

It'd been a hell of a ride but Charmaine decided it was time to turn in the trappings of fame and Step Back in Time to the happy, carefree days of Bassiters.

ACT THREE, SCENE I

AS SHE packs her pull-along, her best friends and backing dancers Troy, Bruce and Adonis weep copiously.

"Confide in Me," Charmaine tells them. "I may be a megastar with my own range of bedlinen, but I'm still plucky happy go-lucky Charmaine and I'm still your friend."

"I'm 35," squeals Troy. "My days as a buffed-up, baby-oiled dancer with pecs that could take an eye out and a butt that could crack Brazil nuts are numbered. What Do I Have to Do to convince you not to go?"

"It's Never Too Late," cries Adonis. "We've still got time to cancel your ticket and get a refund. Your Disco Needs You!"

As Charmaine tucks her sequined corset alongside her monkey wrench she holds the tool in her hand.

Feeling the cool metal against her hand, the tangy aroma of stale oil in her nostrils, an idea pops into her head. Charmaine's Cars – a chain of garages where the music will make you dance as you wait and the trustworthy service and top-quality repairs will make you sing in praise. And who would do the work? Charmaine of course, but also Troy, Bruce and Adonis. Ageing backing dancers have to retrain and the boys look so cute, their bare torsos peeking through their artistically dirty overalls. She could see it now.

What a ride – there'd been love, loss, lyrically dubious hits, but as Charmaine contemplated her future she realised she Wouldn't Change a Thing.