"It needs someone like… Simon Cowell with entrepreneurial skills, someone who's more up to date in the modern world, that's a bit more dynamic." O'Sullivan remarked. Never ones to shirk from a challenge, we rack up snooker along with a few more dowdy
sports and in each case ask ourselves WWSD – What Would Simon Do?
Simon's first item on the agenda would be to change the sport's name, branding the word "snooker" as "boring and irrelevant". Instead, he'll switch it to something pithy like Top Cue, or Pot the Pink. Snooker has never been the most exciting sport to watch on TV, so we think Simon would rectify this by putting the table on to a revolving plinth, hiring backing dancers to perform on the baize between frames, and bringing in Trinny and Susannah to perform boyband-esque makeovers on all the players. We also think he'd give Louis Walsh a buzz and get the ubiquitous Westlife in to play a few demonstration matches while crooning Flying Without Wings.
Then he would turn his attention to the tournaments. The Masters is apparently without a sponsor, something a quick call from Simon to the manufacturers of M&Ms could fix. Finally, we feel sure that such a hot-blooded lothario as Simon Cowell would be dismayed to discover that snooker was such a male-dominated sport. We reckon he would immediately merge the men's and ladies' championships, and then commission a behind-the-scenes TV show to document the love affairs, the fallouts and the inevitable kiss-and-tells.
DARTS
Sky Sports have done their best in recent years to invigorate this dreary pub sport, but we're sure Simon could do better. First off, that dartboard could do with being tarted up. How about one in shades of pink? Or lavender? Or pink and lavender? Perhaps he could bring in Carol Smillie and the Changing Rooms team to work it out. We also think body fascist Simon would also introduce a weight limit, in an attempt to get rid of all those unappetising beer guts so beloved of traditional darts players.
As for the scoring, we think Simon would sneer at the sport's 1970s, lager-tops-stained vibe and entice Craig Revel Horwood on to the scene as part of his revamp. Revel Horwood, more used to cattily marking celebrities' attempts at the foxtrot on Strictly Come Dancing, would give simple marks out of ten at darting tournaments, taking into consideration not just where the dart landed on the board, but players' poise, elegance and personal style. Outfit choice would be paramount, with a focus on sequins and feathers.
Cowell would then launch a new tournament – entitled Strictly Come Darting, perhaps? – with celebrities lining up to compete against each other each week to see who can hit the bullseye in the most stylish way. Bully, we reckon, would not be invited.
BOWLS
A pursuit normally favoured by the older generations, we can see Simon being ruthless and introducing a strict upper age limit of 35. We think he'll keep the all-white outfits, but will turn the bowling green white too, in an effort to bring a modern, minimalist edge to the game. He might even ring up Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud and ask him to design a circular (white) green.
His next challenge will be making bowls appeal to the under-35s, something we think he'll do by branding it in the same way as he did his protégée Leona Lewis – with the emphasis on sleek classiness. Bowls players will be profiled in the pages of Vogue, Louis Vuitton will bring out a range of bowls and jacks, and the all-white outfits will be designed by Stella McCartney.
He'll then arrange for a few sneaky paparazzi shots of Lewis and Madonna playing bowls and then announce that Lewis has discovered she's so good she's giving up singing career to play full-time. By this point, bowls will be firmly established as the new game of the rich young elit
