AS someone who was born and baptised a Catholic, and who has even been known to tread the boards as an altar boy, the prospect of an Orange March is something that fills me with no particular feeling whatsoever.
As you may know, the Orange Order is appealing a ban on their marching through the centre of Penicuik. That is to say, they have been permitted to march through Penicuik in the morning, but a demand for an afternoon march has been declined. Penicuik
obviously feels that you can have too much of a good thing, or that if they let the Orange Order have two marches then it's only a matter of time before Hare Krishnas, Fathers 4 Justice and Bay City Roller revivalists are demanding two marches too.
Marches are obviously very important to the Orange Order. Indeed it seems to be their defining characteristic – all you hear about are Orange Marches, never Orange Jumble Sales, Orange Jamborees or Orange Waltzes. So it's perhaps not surprising that – given the opportunity – they like to do them twice. Perhaps the first one is a kind of rehearsal – after all, not everyone is in the mood for sowing full-on religious malcontent first thing in the morning.
Or is it perhaps that – like many bored teenagers – they find that there's nothing really to do and having gone to all the trouble of getting dressed up like male cheerleaders with beer bellies they want to get as much out of the day as possible.
No doubt if most of the participants weren't so old they'd have put in for an evening march as well. Perhaps they could even establish a permanent march – going from town to town around Scotland.
In such a way they could turn what some call nothing more than a celebration of deep-seated hatred and animosity into a world-famous perpetual carnival; it's a competitive tourist world out there so we could do with all the help we can get.
Something we should be clear on is that there is no real cultural reason to stop them marching. Granted, a lot of what they believe in or wish to celebrate seems a bit odd to outsiders. There was apparently a battle some time ago in a nearby country. This clearly means a lot to the Orange Order – less so to others.
But why should everyone else get excited when they want to form vaguely straight lines and march up and down in celebration of whatever this battle thing was? There are plenty of cultural celebrations the length and breadth of the land whose meaning is unclear to many of us.
Like it or not, no-one could deny that Protestantism is a vital part of Scotland's heritage and that the Orange Order is a significant part of that. And here's the kicker. All of the arguments we apply to free speech and the right of assembly – two of the most fundamental aspects of what we commonly feel to be our democratic tradition – also apply to idiots. That's right – regardless what you think of some group's beliefs or motives or traditions or history – everyone in this country is entitled to the same degree of social and legal tolerance. And at least the flutes and drums – when played correctly – sound rather nice. But if they are serious about retaining their entertainment power in the 21st century, perhaps the Orange Order could consider including Air Guitar in their marching repertoire.
Vanity unfairYou go to all the trouble of seeking public office, campaigning endlessly to boost your political career, and then once in the job some no-good local newspaper insists on using photographs of you that in some way illustrate whatever predicament you are dealing with at the time. The fact that Edinburgh Council has gone to the trouble of paying a photographer to take flattering photographs of their senior people and ask newspapers to use these snaps rather than pesky true-life ones says too much about priorities. Perhaps we could find some photos of them looking aghast and/or horrified at how they are being presented in the press.
Booty it outIt can be amusing trying to see how few words are needed before coming to the conclusion "NO" when one hears of a proposed event. Try this: "Booty Bay" – marathon rave session on Silverknowes waterfront, with alcohol licence". If Silverknowes was in France, that might be different. But it is in Scotland, and that brings an entirely different and regrettable colour to the proposed affair.
