AS MUCH as this series of Celebrity Big Brother has taken great pains to keep its housemates occupied by dressing them up like raving idiots and making them dance to bad techno, it is still following a certain formula.
As with the legendary series in 2006 when the undisputed stars of the show were Michael Barrymore, George Galloway and Pete Burns, yet again it is the older housemates who have been by far the most entertaining to watch.
While the likes of Mutya,
Ben and Michelle loll around on the sofas like three-toed sloths in a zoo enclosure, and Lucy proved so dull she was ousted before anyone noticed she'd gone in, the older members of the household have been shouting, screaming, bitching and moaning at each other like a gaggle of Renaissance harpies with PMT.
First of all there is the ongoing row between Terry and Ulrika. Ulrika was livid because Terry described her as "high-handed". Instead of soothing the troubled waters, Terry instead added fuel to the fire and informed her: "You think you're a bit better than the rest." Cue endless wailing and gnashing of teeth from Ulrika, who retreated to the bedroom to pour her guts out to Tina.
It's a strange, schoolgirlish friendship, this one. The pair are totally mismatched – I couldn't imagine them being friends in the outside world – and their bedside conversations, along the lines of "everyone is so beastly and I just couldn't bear it without you", sound like they've been lifted from a chapter of In The Fifth At Malory Towers.
The thing is, Terry simply doesn't like Ulrika very much, and that's something her ego is incapable of handling. Which is probably why he voted her the housemate with the most inflated ego in the first place. Not so dumb, that one.
Coolio, meanwhile, is still annoying everyone.
He warmed my heart the other day, though, not only wearing a kilt in my family tartan but clearly relishing the experience, telling Big Brother, "I've been trying to get a kilt around my waist for years". Bless.
No such luck for Tommy, who spent most of Monday in a shiny blue skintight all-in-one that made him look like an extra from the Woody Allen film Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask. Tommy is beginning to disappoint me.
While Terry, Coolio and even Verne are stepping up to the plate in terms of confrontation and argy-bargy, Tommy just skulks in the background looking sullen. Come on, Tommy, liven up. You're not 25 any more.
