Ewan Morrison - 'Those smug faces are all that stop me from destroying it with my bare hands'

I CLOSED the lid gently then re-pressed the on-off button and waited. The malfunction button came on again. I wrenched the lid from its hinges, slammed my fist through the glass screen, tore inside, wrenching out bloodied wires and machine parts, threw the whole thing to the floor and kicked it into oblivion.

This was the fate of my new printer/scanner/copier. Or would have been, had I given in to the rage that overwhelmed me after three wasted days of visits to a reputable retailer and five helpline calls to a multinational manufacturer.

I have tried to return this product but no one will take responsibility for it. I bought the damn thing two months ago. At around 50 quid, it seemed a bargain. My needs are simple, black and white printing and scanning only. But after two months, printing only 400 pages of B&W text, I've used up four B&W cartridges and six colour, all costing £7 each. Seventy quid for 400 pages seemed a ridiculous mistake.

So, consider yourself a manager or helpline assistant as I try to remain calm and explain what the problem is:

Q. Why is my printer demanding that I buy new colour cartridges and ceasing all functions until I do?

A. Because the printer will only print when all cartridges are operational.

Q. But how can they be empty? I haven't printed in colour, not once, since I bought this.

A. Well, sir, unless you tell the printer, each time, to print in B&W only, it will use all of the cartridges to create the black.

Q. Wait, you're telling me that, by default, it prints a layer of cyan, then yellow, then magenta underneath the black on a simple piece of text?

A. That's correct sir.

Q. Unbelievable. Okay. So if I tell it to print in B&W only, I won't ever have to replace my colour cartridges again?

A. I'm sorry sir, but every time you turn the printer on it will prime all the cartridges, which uses up some more ink.

Q. Incredible. So – even if I don't use the cartridges, the ink levels will go down anyway and I'll have to replace them?

A. That's right sir.

I have heard these same replies many times this week and still cannot believe the audacity of it. I've been on websites and discovered thousands of angry global consumers reporting exactly the same scam. And it gets worse: those little chips on print cartridges – well, on some models they appear to 'time out'; on others they estimate your print usage according to the numbers of prints you've made independent of your chosen print quality or resolution. Your cartridges may be half full, but the chip says empty.

Worse still, according to my retailer, all printer companies, bar one, are doing this now. The words "class action lawsuit" and "Office of Fair Trading" run through my mind. As does the image of the smug smiling boardroom boys that came up with this innovative, uniquely humiliating way of making the consumer pay for a product that's maliciously designed to create waste. Those faces are all that stop me from destroying the product with my bare hands, because I know that if I do, my 400 pages will then have cost me an additional fifty quid, which would only make the boardroom boys grin even more at my bloody-fisted expense.